Living for such a time as this.

2011-11-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

Okay...Twilight
1) Yes, I have seen all of the movies. No, not at the first midnight showing.
2) Yes, there is quite a bit of appeal to Edward Cullen and Jacob Black.
3) No, I am not one of the crazy fangirls that obsesses about wishing either of the above mentioned male characters were real.
4) Nor do I agree with the unreachable standards that books/movies like this set for young girls and also the boys that they will date/marry in the future.
5) All of this to say....I love their soundtracks. Very good job on this aspect. Man.

These songs....Are you kidding? Perfection...

2011-11-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

"I remember this dream that a friend had, that they told to me that really ruined my heart. In the dream, Jesus had come back, it was His procession, coming back to the world, stopping at all the cities. He was coming to Kansas City. So, in the dream my friend was at his apartment and he had slept in and Jesus was on His way to Kansas City, He was coming to Kansas City and essentially, he missed it. He wasn't ready, he wasn't prepared. and he was so ashamed because he felt like he had missed the Lord's coming. He was ashamed because he felt like "Ah, what have I been doing?" And so in that dream my other friend shows up and he says "Dude you gotta come, you gotta come see Jesus. He's here". My friend was so ashamed and he says "No I'm not ready. I messed up. I'm not ready. I don't want to see Him and my other friend says "you just don't get it. He wants to see you. He's so kind. He just wants to see you."
...I don't remember those things (in reference to all of the classes he has taken at IHOP) but you know what I know? You know what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt? I know that He knows me and I know that He wants to see my face and I know that He will never quit on me and so when the accusations of my heart say "what is your Beloved more than any other?" I rise up and say that "my Beloved has never dealt harshly with me. My beloved has never said I love you but...I love you but do better. He has never said that. He has always dealt with me kindly. He has always dealt with me gently and He's always leading me."
- Andrew Chen, IHOPU senior, on what he has learned in his 5 years at IHOP.

2011-11-18T00:37:00.000-08:00

This short film is about sex trafficking. It's an artsy film, fairly low budget I'm guessing, but it's a pretty intense and powerful depiction of human slavery.
For those of you who can't fully understand the imagery, the idea is that these girls are either lured or sold into slavery (entering into the candy shop), they are then morphed into what the clientele wants (the candy). Men line up for it and there is always business for it as long as there's a "need." Perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me is the ending because it does feel like these issues are a neverending cycle but I have hope.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot again about lukewarm faith and the state of Christianity in society right now. Yes, I really do think about these things, a lot. When my mom got baptized and my dad agreed to attend the service (we missed it unfortunately) he said one thing that surprised me.
"I don't have problems with the source. I have problems with the agents."
This isn't the first time this has been an issue, where it is not God that turns people away from Christianity, but the Christians themselves. There are countless stories of being hurt by the church, being separated by community and exclusivity. Look at the slew of Catholic priest molestation incidents. I've also read and heard countless stories of girls being molested by church leaders. I read about pastors cheating on their spouses, about people in high leadership positions completely dropping the ball. Of course people would be turned off to Christianity. It's all they see. Either they get fire and brimstone (you're going to hell) or they get the shady "Christ-followers" in the news and in the churches. I agree with my dad in this case. There are some serious issues going on with the agents.
Now, here's where people may argue that "we are all sinners" and that "we all make mistakes." Yes, that is true and by God's grace, He forgives us for our transgressions. Honestly though, doesn't God deserve a bit more honor and reverence than the bare minimum that we can offer? I'm so tired of the bare minimum and so tired of lackluster faith. Either I need to start accepting that it's only going to get worse or the church will really need to rise up.
This bugs me, not because I'm high and mighty, but because I realize my own sin and my own inability to muster up more than the minimum for God so don't take this blog post as a judgment. I will be judged for all the things I do and do not do in this life too.
We talk about the transformative power of God and the power of Jesus Christ and yet we are so consumed in our own lives. We sing and praise Him only to totally forget about Him 2 hours later. We listen to church messages and stand in recognition of our desire to change or to take a step forward in faith only to drop it after the adrenaline has worn off. Seriously, this speaks heaps about God's grace and love for us cause honestly, we're offering Him our scraps and leftover garbage. Only when we are down in the dumps and in need do we get on our knees and pray. Otherwise, we're living it up, doing what we want, doing it how we want to do it, cheapening grace by praying one thing and doing another. The state of Christianity is weak. So very weak. I'm getting tired of using the excuse that we're humans and we make mistakes as a crutch and as a reason why we can do whatever the hell we want.
Sigh, honestly, I just want to love God rightly. I say that all the time but it burns in my soul every day. God, how do I love You rightly? When I meet You at the judgment seat, I don't care if You burn away 90% of me that is imperfect and sinful but I want to at least show You that there were parts of me that were pure, there were parts of me that really tried, that I loved You on this earth to the best of my ability.

Alright, I'll try to insert a happier, funny post in due time. I get intense at night time.

2011-11-12T00:06:00.001-08:00

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/worship/features/22374-when-the-secular-is-sacred

word. word. word.

2011-11-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

“I’m really scared for my generation, you know. The thing that scares me most is Tumblr. I hate what Tumblr has become. Because it like, it reminds me of those clique-y girls in high school that used to make fun of everyone else and define what was cool, but in five years, when you all graduate, that sh-- doesn’t matter. No one gives a f--- about that sh--. Instead of kids going out and making their own moments, they’re just taking these images and living vicariously through other people’s moments. It just kills me. Then you’ll meet them and they’re just the biggest turkey in the world. They don’t actually embody any of those things. They just emulate. It’s scary man, simulation life that we’re living. It scares me.”
-Drake

Its been one of those months.

2011-10-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

It has been one of those months or perhaps I should just track it back to the day that I started graduate school.
I wish I could say that things have gotten better and that I'm really starting to enjoy it but I can't. Every day I think about what it would be like if I quit the program and then I get the sickening feeling of being left with nothing to do and no where to go.
It has been a rough transition for me. At least I'm pretty good at hiding things on the surface. I'm usually pretty composed, seem engaged, and work hard but inside I barely feel anything.
As a friend once said, I have a bleeding heart. That sounds so very morbid and emo but it's the truth. It feels, it breaks easily, it dreams of joy of beauty...I just don't know what to do with it lately.
I trust that God has a plan and that there is a purpose to all of this...but can I really continue to believe that if these feelings go on for 2 years plus? I want to say that I am strong enough to withstand it all, but the truth is, I'm already worn and tired. I'm struggling to hold onto my hopes and dreams and struggling with the part of me that tells me I just need to accept that this is my life.
Of course, 2 years is nothing compared to a lifetime...but I'm afraid that 2 years will pull me further and further away from what I once dreamed of. I'm afraid that after 2 years I'll be willing to just settle into the path I've already taken.
What would it look like for me to take a risk and to do something with all of the dreams I have? I have no idea. Perhaps courage and boldness...two things I'm wondering if I possess...

2011-10-21T00:21:00.000-07:00

All the wild horses
All the wild horses, tethered with tears in their eyes.
May no man's touch ever tame you
May no man's reigns ever chain you.
And may no man's weight ever lay freight your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll away.

Good music is so rare these days. Somedays I imagine spending the whole day looking for new artists to listen to it. Good music is just so good for the soul.

The song above was a song I used to love in high school. It's unbelievably emo with a sad violin and guitar to mediate the utter emo-ness of this song. Something about the imagery makes me feel chains break off of my body when its been a tough day. I picture running through fields in freedom. Laughing, dancing, feeling beautiful.
I've been utterly consumed by school to the point where if I'm not doing something school related, I begin to feel anxious and guilty. My mind gets restless and my hands feel the urge to reach for my books. In some cases, yes, I probably should switch off the trashy reality television and study. In other cases, I should probably be afforded the time to relax and to release all the stress.
I've been a pent up all of emotion, longing to be a free horse running in the fields. I'm tethered and chained by my anxiety and to be honest, I haven't been consistent with asking for freedom.
Freedom is a concept that touches something deep inside of my soul, moreso than a lot of other concepts that people highly value. The freedom to be myself, the freedom to laugh as loud as I want, the freedom to dream and to do all the things I've hoped for, the freedom to dance, the freedom to be. It is something I'm constantly seeking. It is something I'm thirsting for in this season of school.
I honestly hate the ways in which I settle into this world but I'm also not one to shave my head and move to another country. I just long to be free. To feel like my chains are no longer digging into my flesh, to feel like the weight and burden of this life will not keep my arms from being raised. Maybe that's why I tend to like the emo songs, because I hear it in the singer's voice, in the melody, in the words, the longing to be free from the anguish and the pains of this world.
I don't know. Sometimes I think it may just be me who feels so deeply all the time. It's not that I don't enjoy life and have fun or that I don't feel feelings of joy and happiness. I just know I'll never be complete until Heaven, until I meet Jesus and that's a fact that I can never ignore.
It's that fact that causes things like pain in the world, evil in society, injustice, etc. to never leave my mind. I cannot ignore these things, even in m every day life. One day, I was at the gym roasting in the sauna when this girl walked in and sat close by (not that the sauna is very big...it's the size of two small bathrooms maybe) and I could just feel the emotional burden she was carrying. I didn't even need to look at her or try and interpret her body posture/facial expression. It was so tangible and I just felt it all around me, the self condemnation, the sadness...everything.
I feel it when I walk around every single day, on campus, off campus, everywhere. I see people and I can literally feel and see the things going on inside and it breaks my heart. I cannot ignore it but I also have not found the freedom within myself to do anything about it. We are all captives. We can put up the blinders and we won't need to see anything beyond what's in front of us and where we're headed.
But as Christians, we can't afford to be numb. We spend unbearable amounts of time worrying about ourselves that we forget the biggest advantage we have in this life, Jesus. He died for our sins, He carried the weight and the burden, when He died on that cross He paid the ultimate price for us. And yet we still can't find it within ourselves to share the good news. We can't muster up the courage to say something. We dance around in church, raise our hands and praise, we talk and talk about how we will change the world, and yet we don't. We get sucked into our little worldly bubbles, our jobs, school, our safe and secure church bubbles where we talk on end about what we would do for the kingdom but God forbid we actually act on those things.
I am so guilty of all of these things but how I long to be free from all of that.
How I long to feel real freedom and the not the counterfeits I've settled for.

2011-10-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

We are all slaves to something; slaves to this world, tied up in chains and locks that inconspicuously get tighter and heavier with our ignorance of their existence. We walk as if we are free and yet we are tied down by these invisible chains. The sad thing about matter is that we do not realize we are slaves until we have tasted the sweetness of air in our lungs, until we have felt the resonant beating of a living heart, until we dance in victory with our arms raised to the sky. Only then do we realize the deprivation we have endured. Only then is death defeated and the serpent's head crushed.

A word God spoke to me before I started grad school. It has been a roller coaster of a week. Emotions went flying everywhere in the midst of a low key and wonderful birthday. Thank God for family and friends. I would be lying if I said grad school has been a breeze. It has only been three weeks and I have already contemplated the idea of quitting a few times. Not seriously of course. Well...maybe.
I have been one to preach the idea of never falling victim to the fear of man. However, I have been struggling with it. I'm okay until someone starts to misunderstand me, judge me, or label me. I try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt so when I am not afforded this simple grace, it weakens me. I walked into grad school with the title of "overanxious" hanging over my head. In case you haven't heard the story, I followed a bumpy path into grad school...Ask me if you want to hear the story.
I've realized that every day I go to school, I have been carrying invisible chains. I have purposely been trying to act like I have it all together and that I don't feel the weight of this decision, but I do. Every day I ask God if this is the path He intended, or if I was a stray sheep that He had yet to retrieve. If I could do anything, I would write. I would write novels, young adult fiction, children's books. Heck, I might even give the whole teenage/adolescent literature a strong whirl. But I'm not doing that. I'm in grad school, studying to become a therapist, wrestling with the fact that I don't agree with many of the things being taught.
People are not meant to be placed in boxes, with a diagnosis hanging over their head as if their problems were so simple. Sure, I believe humans follow certain patterns but still, I don't want to be one of those therapists that just sits and listens and pretends to understand or empathize. Jesus was the ultimate lover, the ultimate listener, the ultimate healer. He understood that people were not their sins. Do I want to help people? Of course. But is this the way God intended?
I wish I could answer confidently either way.
Till then, I will be faithful to what I've been given. I will not be "overanxious" nor will I let that pesky title define who I am in graduate school. I will conquer.

Normalcy.

2011-10-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.
- Steve Jobs

So, everyone has gone into the craze of "honoring" Steve Jobs. I'm not here to do that. Indeed, he was a genius, a mastermind, and cancer seriously sucks, but I appreciate this quote and I appreciate the vision he had for his life and this world.
One of my biggest struggles has been with the idea of normalcy. I struggle with the question of whether I will become just another normal person. I hate normalcy. I will just come out and say it now...I don't want to be normal because I think normal is boring, lifeless, dull, void of all vision, bound by social constraints, etc. From middle school, I told my mom "I can't picture myself living like this forever. I can't picture myself living in a house with a big garage, working 9 to 5, coming home and cleaning/cooking, going to sleep, only to have it all repeat itself again the next day."
And now, as I continue my graduate education, I feel myself begin to question if that really is how I'll end up. I think "hmm maybe I would be okay just living in a house and going through the daily motions" and then another part of me thinks "Ah, you're beginning to catch the normalcy bug." It's not long before my soul will just succumb to it. I mean hey, it's normal. What you surround yourself with is what you may eventually just end up with.
As I read Jobs' quote, I feel it. That unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, that stirring in my heart that says "you were made to be unconventional." A word God had spoken to me right before I was baptized. It comes up over and over again. I am unconventional but now, I'm trying to fit the round peg in the square hole. I'm trying to convince myself that this is it and this is awesome. But come on, really?
Grad school has made me feel it even more. I become immersed in school, reading, studying...I become "too busy" or "too tired" to pray. I've stopped writing. And I feel...like life is draining from my body. Like the original steam I had, the fervor, is slowly leaving me.
Sigh.

I'm fighting. I'll keep fighting. Key point...I was MADE this way. That's something you can't change.

Chinese.

2011-10-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

Grad school has been interesting and what I thought it would be, it is not. I have managed to make a few friends. Everyone is super sweet and friendly. Classes are going well and I'm staying on top of my reading. All in all, a decent experience.
I expected that in time, grad school would reveal to me what I want to do with my life, my direction or path. It would either make me see that I really do want to do counseling or it would make me see that I don't want to do it. Well, it has done none of those things thus far. However, it has been teaching me a lot more about myself (ah, the neverending journey of self discovery). I am an Asian woman.
Now, I know I've mentioned this in a previous post already, but I must justify why I bring it up again. I have never really identified much with my ethnic identity. I know we must've been educated on that somewhere in our IV journey but I must have failed to jump on board. For lack of a better term, I think I tended to see myself as a "twinkie." Yellow on the outside, white on the inside. Grad school has made me feel very differently.
My mom used to tell me that I didn't understand racism because "you think you are American." A statement that stuck with me for a while but I never really looked into it. God has been nudging racial identity on me for a while and to be honest, I just brushed it off.
My mentality is that I'm born here. I run with the pack. I can speak English. I have been taught American ideals and values. I love pop culture. I've told multiple people time and time again that I have issues with Asian community (red flag alert).
Being in a cohort of 14 with no Asian face in the crowd has been tough. It wasn't until I stepped into a room of people with very different backgrounds than my own that I really started to see myself as Asian. It's not like they all pointed and stared. It's not like they don't have Asian friends. But being there in that room has made a lot of insecurities come up.
I find myself afraid to be myself. I find myself fearful of saying something that isn't intellectual enough during discussions. I wonder if people would be annoyed with how much I mention my Asian parents and the differing values they (we) have from American values. I feel like the underdog even though in most of my experience, Asians are supposed to be the "smart" ones. I immediately turn into the person I've never wanted to be. The quiet, reserved, passive, studious Asian girl.
Today was a tough day simply because I felt it more than ever. I felt my face burn as I spoke in front of the class on a topic I would normally have zero problem speaking about. I felt lonely and unable to talk about it with anyone. It's a feeling of fitting in, but not really fitting in.
I enjoy the challenge though and I appreciate God's answer to my prayers for me to step outside of my comfort zone. Today as I jogged, I felt empowered again and for once, I liked the fact that I am Asian. I am Chinese.
The obstacle is now learning how to incorporate that into my every day life. I have lived for so long thinking that I am one of "them," but I'm not and I need to learn to embrace that. I have spent so long believing that when other races saw me, they wouldn't see the color of my skin or the size of my eyes but they do. What's the beautiful of diversity if we aren't willing to acknowledge the differences? Why do I want to be a clone of someone else?

Lead me, God. Keep me still. Allow me to really embrace every part of myself, to really love all of me just as You do.

First Week Done!

2011-09-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

I officially finished my first week of grad school on Wednesday. Luckily, I only have classes two days a week. I'm thinking that Monday-Wednesday are probably not good days to call me...well, I guess it's never a good time to call me.
Okay, now I must make a statement about this whole answering calls fiasco.
I do not like telephone conversations, especially if I haven't spoken to the caller in a long time. I'm not a phone person. It's quite simple. I feel awkward talking on the phone because my usual expressions are told through either a)Sarcasm or b)Facial expression. Likewise, I like to see what people are portraying in what they're saying to me as well. Sarcasm gets lost over the phone and you might just end up sounding like a biatch. Facial expression is obviously nonexistent, so I end up sounding a bit unlike myself on the phone. Also, phone calls are just awkward. If you run out of things to talk about, it gets quiet and you can't pull the usual "make your move to get up from the table/wherever you're chatting." You have to have somewhere to go to be able to end the conversation. Hence, my hatred for phone calls. I will answer (sometimes) but other times, I'm not by my phone.
Likewise, I have limited texting. 1000 texts per month which means I cannot have full on conversations through text so if I stop answering...it's because I'm going to get charged if things proceed.
Ahh, it was nice to get that off my chest. So, the best way to reach me is through email. I may not answer them immediately, but if they are urgent emails, I will most likely call you or find you online. It's not like I'll receive emails where people are telling me they're depressed and upset and I'm like "hmm, I'll answer this little sucker later."
Okay! So, I finished my first week. All in all, it wasn't too bad. Lots of information and lots of work coming down the road, but other than that, it seems to be alright for now. I have managed to make some friends and I really like them so I'm excited I won't be alone as I feared.
I've come to the realization that one on one therapy is probably not the route that God has prepared for me. It makes it impossible to share my faith with all of the legal and ethical questions that come into play in a therapy setting. So, the future is still a bit unclear but I'm rolling with it.
In other news, I have become obsessed with the Food Network. This may sound odd to my close friends, especially my roommates who only saw me watch Degrassi, Disney and MTV for our four years in college...but yes! I have become quite enamored with the Food Network channel. I used to think it was so boring watching people cook, but now I find it to be extremely entertaining. Something about putting hard work into all of these separate ingredients and mixing them to create a delightful dish is quite wonderful. Also, watching chefs and their creativity makes me respect them for their craft. Somedays I tell my mom that I should've just gone to culinary school.
I love Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa)...unfortunately, the ingredients she uses are not within my graduate school student budget or time.
Down Home with the Neelys and Paula Deen...Great personalities, fun to watch, but if I were to eat their dishes, I would watch the number on the scale increase quickly with every stick of butter.
30 minute meals...I never like Rachel Ray's dishes, which is sad because this is probably the only show that can actually provide me with dishes I can make.
I'm mostly obsessed with the competition shows. I love Chopped and I'm digging the new show Sweet Genius. Check em' out. They're fun to watch. Such creative things to do with ingredients.

First week complete. I'm feeling good. Trusting God with everything.

I am Yellow.

2011-09-22T23:36:00.000-07:00

Today marked the beginning of my new journey as a graduate student pursuing a M.S. in MFT. So many letters!
I don't quite know what I was expecting when I first signed on. Perhaps I just hoped that things would be simple because it was a Cal State school (sorry, UC pride?) or perhaps I just thought it was something to do.
I walked into my orientation today to find that I was the only Asian girl in the cohort. Granted, our cohort is only 14 people big but still, it was a shock for me. I've been so used to being surrounded by Asian upon Asian that I immediately felt intimidated. Later, I became even more intimidated listening to how passionate each of the other students were about becoming a therapist. I listened as they talked about their future goals, their past experiences with research and the like, and I wanted to sink deep into my seat and disappear.
That's when the lies came.
"You should not have spent so much time on IV. You should've have been pouring into your future."
"Look how talented and driven everyone else is, what are you?"
"So much wasted time on ministry and messing around in college."
Lie upon lie upon lie. Needless to say I got home from all of this feeling very tired and beaten, and my school year hasn't even officially begun for me yet.
As I went to the gym to try and run off the stress I was beginning to feel, I just kept praying. Telling God of my fears. Telling God that I feel so utterly inadequate and that I have no idea what I've gotten myself into.
And He answered.
"You are my great reward. You're who I'm longing for. My beautiful inheritance, Jesus.
You've given me Yourself."
A song I haven't listened to in a long time, but one that I really needed to hear.
My choice has been Jesus all along. My choice has been that my faith came in first place and everything else would follow. While people poured into their careers, I waited and listened for my next move. I hoped and dreamed for things that were deep in my heart. And might I say, many things that have yet to come into fruition, but I trusted Jesus. I trusted God with my future and I think that is quite a feat in itself.
I will fight the lies and stop comparing myself. I refuse to let things bring me down when I should be filled with excitement and anticipation.
I'm always up for a challenge.
So, even though I have zero experience doing research or working in a lab, even though I feel like I'm completely out of my league, even though I know I'm going to have a strenuous academic year, I am trusting God again. I am letting Him take the reins and letting Him guide me.

Thank God for this opportunity. Thank God for a challenge. Thank God for the chance to really prove myself and work hard. No complaining.

Hello MFT program. I am your resident Asian girl. Let's do this.

2011-09-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

http://nefariousdocumentary.com/

Tonight, I had the great pleasure of watching this documentary at the Radiance International House of Prayer. Before going to the documentary, I already knew what to expect. I would probably be deeply moved, feel slightly guilty and convicted, feel pumped up, uneasily stare at that offering envelope, pray like my heart has been completely dedicated to this cause for a long time, yada yada yada and then I would move on.
I realized how sad it is that faith has become so predictable. Like clockwork, we move along with our daily lives until a big conference or documentary comes around and gets our juices flowing. We promise that we'll dedicate our entire lives and surrender our will to the Lord. And then the next day happens and life goes on. Outside of our juices flowing, we have "okay" small groups, mediocre prayer times mixed with the occasional intense prayer session when we really "need" Him, we go to church on Sunday excited to discuss what we'll eat afterwards and what fun we'll have on our day of rest.
Tonight, I was moved. My soul was rocked in a real way. Not in the usual "I'm going to run out on the street and shout Jesus' name (if I had the balls to do this ever..It would be pretty awesome)" but God really began to speak in a deeper way. And for once, I didn't feel so guilty, but proud of where I am and who I am. Thankful that I have so much compared to so many others. Empowered to have the privilege of being a voice to the voiceless. And the lesson God has been teaching me non stop for the past year "It's not about me" rang even louder in my heart and my mind.
We are all slaves to something. We all bow down to an idol of sorts. Jobs, possessions, our gf/bf, our family, money, success, our looks...We all find ourselves in this never ending vicious cycle of being a slave to something. Our chains are invisible and we neglect to acknowledge how tight they've become over the years. We all walk around as slaves until Jesus comes and removes those chains, until He comes and takes the scales from our eyes and says "Wake up! There's so much more to life than what you've made it. Let me show you what I can do."
My idols? I have too many to name. I may not succumb to them every day, but they are always there, waiting for the moment I create distance between myself and God to come and snatch whatever good thing I have.
Awareness is so important in our faith. Awareness of our world and its brokenness. Awareness of ourselves and how weak and lowly we are. Awareness of our sin. Awareness of becoming complacent and comfortable. Awareness of our idols. Awareness of the existence of a Heaven and Hell, people going to both every day, most to the latter. But mostly, awareness of how much we need God in our lives. I believe it is our lack of awareness or dulling of our awareness that draws us the furthest away. When we allow things to blind us and to distract us, we don't see God. We become unaware of how much we need Him. We get so comfortable that we are unaware of how depraved we are.
Tonight, I was made more aware of sex trafficking. I sat there watching the documentary and my heart screamed "What do I do? How do I make a difference?" I watched innocent women and children on the screen and the idea of them being sold into sex slavery killed me. I listened to women talk about why they were in the industry and why they could never get out.
When are we going to do something about injustice? When am I going to do something about it? When is the big talk going to go and the big action take its place?

Oh Lord. I pray and hope that You move me in the direction of being someone of big action. I cannot possibly live this life and not do anything about the darkness in this world. I want to glorify You on the day we meet face to face. I want to tell You that I really tried to love You my best while I lived. Amen.

2011-09-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

Monday!
Today is Monday, which means that next week I will officially be starting my 2 year journey of becoming an MFT. A whole year has passed (and then some) since I graduated last June. Wow. Time flies but God is so good.
I'm sorry Triton, I must leave you because now, I am....

A BRONCO!! I think I like this mascot more than the old Merman. After all, I was another horse breed (Mustang) in high school. It seems fitting.

And so, life is beginning. Well, life has been ongoing but it feels like the new season is around the corner. I realized that its been a while since I've had to wake up for school from my own bedroom at home. I really hope my parents don't think that they still need to come and knock on my door every morning. The thought of chilly winter mornings where I don't want to wake up gives me anxiety, but it'll be okay. Only 2 days of school a week. Can't complain too much!

In other news, back to my music blogging tendencies...

Songs that need to get off the radio...NOW

1. Foster The People- Pumped up Kicks: Good Lord, This song has been overplayed to its death and as much as I love this song and its newness, it has now been destroyed by the airwaves. Please, no more. I cannot stand to hear that drum beat and that weird duck quack synth sound like I used to like so much.

2. Afrojack-Take Over Control/LMFAO- Party Rock Anthem: Okay, these songs are seriously the most obnoxious songs to listen to right now. Yes, they are fun and catchy...the first couple of times you hear them. But now, it sounds like nails scratching a chalkboard when I hear those annoying techno-y interludes. Okay, if you haven't noticed it yet...note what happens after "plug it in and turn me on" along with "Everyday I'm shufflin'". Creative much?

3. Pitbull ft. Ne-yo- Give Me Everything: No Ne-yo, I don't really want to grab somebody sexy and tell em' "hey, give me everything tonight." Please, stop.

4. Bad Meets Evil/Bruno Mars/Eminem- Lighters: I am making my declaration here and now at the risk of upsetting many of my friends. I do not like Bruno Mars nor do I like Eminem. Holding up lighters is already a cheesy enough thing to do during concerts, a ritual that has now been replaced by glowing cellphones which makes me cringe even more. The lyrics "All I wanna see is a sky full of lighters" make me want to die cause all I see are glowing cellphones and lighters now. This tagged with Eminem's same ol' "I'm angry and want to kill everyone" rapping makes my ears bleed.

5. Beyonce-1+1: Okay, when I first heard her perform this song on AI, I was pretty impressed with her skills. She is unbelievably talented with great and catchy songs. However, after watching her music video for this song and listening to that little vocal part where she sings higher at the end of her verse lines, I cannot fully buy into her. If you haven't seen the video, it would probably be every beyonce sex crazed druggy fan fantasy. It takes away from the core of the song which is actually pretty nice...Blehs.

6. Finally Joe Jonas- Just in Love: Seriously? What's with the Disney stars and their scandalous ways? Miley's short shorts and shady dancing...Now, Joe Jonas is sitting in a bath tub and having intense makeout sessions with a French girl? I'm over it. (Not on the radio yet and I hope it doesn't make it there)

Okay, phew. I'm very opinionated about my music. I don't know why. I'm sorry. I just need to vent these things sometimes. Where's the creativity? The depth? The character? Sigh.

2011-09-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

There's just one chief end to man's purpose
One main reason for existence
All man's vain and high ambition
will one day be brought low, will one day be brought low.
To treasure You above all others
To love You like we love no other
Your greatness soon will be uncovered
and all the earth will then know...

Today I realized that I will be starting grad school in 2 weeks which makes me think "where the heck did this past year go?" It's easy for me to immediately start bashing this past year as a waste of time. I was a bum. I didn't do what I wanted or intended to do. All of these "I didn'ts" and "what a waste." But I've learned through this past year, that sometimes you just need to suck it up and tell yourself to shutup. HAHA That sounds harsh doesn't it? But seriously, sometimes we just need to tell ourselves to stop. We need to coax our souls out of this "woe is me" mentality or "OMG I am not the person I wanted to be."
I've learned how to be thankful this year. I've learned that there is nothing that could ever cause me to turn my back on God. I've learned that life is fleeting, delicate, and that it needs to be treated with care. I've learned that there are people in the world who need to be saved, who need to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ. I've learned about darkness but I've also learned about God's light and His redemption. I've learned that everything must be done in joy because without joy, there is really no hope.
Our lives become so self focused. Will I get into the school I want to get into? Will this job work out? Will I make enough money to...? Why am I so lame and useless? Why can't I do what I want to do? Why can't I be who I want to be? ME, ME, ME. And I realize that we should feel blessed to have what we have. We should feel blessed to be able to afford school, to be able to have the opportunity of higher education. We should feel blessed that we're struggling to find high paying jobs and not worrying about starvation and disease as so much of the world does. Our world has done an unbelievably poor job of teaching us what is important in this life which is why I must keep learning from God.
To put Him in first place because He is the best leader, the kindest, most loving, and righteous judge. It has been quite a rigorous routine to continually tell my pride and my selfishness to stop heckling me every morning and to just say thanks to God for everything I have. More, more, more...and then what? What happens when I get more? I still want more. When I get that much more? I still want more. For what? So I can buy nice things? So I can be successful in front of other's eyes? So I can impress other people? So I can come off as being smart, successful, beautiful, rich...etc. And then what? There is no end to it. There never will be.

So how do we start living today with joy? How do we start to put our delight and trust in God? How do we surrender our own superficiality and selfishness and choose to serve and live a life of giving?

He gets first place.

2011-09-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

Alright, who remembers this girl?! Fefe Dobson!
Clue "Take me away, take me far away from here..." or "Don't go, girls and boys should be together" or "Are you ready to be my everythinggg?"
Okay, if you haven't caught the clues yet, then this post is probably lost on you....
But I love this song. I can totally see my 16 year old self sitting in front of the computer, listening to this song, staring at "that guy's" screenname hoping he would im me. Don't deny it. You did it too.
Or my 22 year old self thoroughly enjoying this song's cameo on the Canadian show "Degrassi." No need for the whole computer, iming, ordeal. Eric calls me all the time.
Wuddup boys from high school?!

Memoriesss

2011-08-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

I have been out of college for 1 year now, meaning I've been out of high school for 5 years now!
A whopping 5 years which is equivalent to half a decade.
I decided to take a look at my old yearbook and I've decided that it's both endearing and depressing at the same time.
I forgot how BIG everything seemed at that time. The magnitude of each event was multiplied by a thousand and the emotions were right at that "drama queen" line.
I used to look back at high school and say that I really didn't enjoy it much. Now I find myself watching kids get out of school at 2:40 and wish that I was still in their shoes. Young, filled with hope, somewhat entitled to be a drama queen because of my tender age, living in a world that didn't extend any further than the high school walls.
I realize that I've always lived a bit more in the future than I ever did in the present. It was always about the good things that would come later, the wonderful adventures I would encounter, the cool and mature people I would meet, etc. I wish I had learned to cherish the past a little more.
I read old yearbook notes from friends. Some say that I'm a funny girl (actually a lot of them say that...yeah, I've always been the comedian), some say that they'll miss me and that we have to keep in touch, others claim that I am one of their most treasured friends and that it will always be that way. There are inside jokes that I can't even remember anymore, people I wish I could say that I kept in touch with, memories I wish I could've trapped inside a bottle and that I could relive again and again.
Shrugs. I must learn to live in the present, to cherish the moment now. I know that sounds cliche but when do we, as humans, ever do that? It's always about getting to that next place, getting into the right college, getting the right job, getting married, having children...no wonder people have mid-life crises. What is there to look forward to when everything the world tells you to look forward to ends? You panic cause suddenly there's nothing left, nothing on that horizon (not that you actually fully cherished the event at the time because you were still chugging forward).
Oh life, you unstoppable thing. I must learn to love you, I must learn to love me, I must learn to love Jesus more.

More Music Fo Yo Soul

2011-08-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

So I don't know why, but I've started mind blogging the music that I hear. Mind blogging is my term for when your brain starts spewing out what you would write in a blog post. Yeah, I know, weird.

Top songs for me right now (don't judge me for some of these):
1. Scott Orr- In the Belly of the Whale
Pretty self explanatory. Perfect lyrics, perfect simplicity. Soul soother.
2. Hilary Grist- Right For You
Rachael Yamagata-esque. I just feel this song deep down too...It's about making decisions for yourself, making mistakes along the way.
3. Rihanna- Cheers
Okay, I'm sorry but I think this is my favorite Rihanna song EVER...not that I ever liked her that much to begin with. It's a simple track but fun and different from all the annoying "Disturbia" type stuff she keeps putting out. Plus, it has some Avril Lavigne in there which is fun...her signature "yeah yeah" taken from an old track.
4. Big Sean Ft. Chris Brown- My Last
I don't know why I like this song so much. Perhaps I find it amusing that Chris Brown says "I'm gonna mm mm like it's my last." I like witty lyrics or masked lyrics in hip hop songs for some reason. Shrug. Note: All of the hip hop songs I like are purely based on creativity or the beat. A good beat does it for me.
5. Best Coast- Boyfriend
Oldies sound, fun, simple, cute. Girl band. I like.
6. Kings of Leon- Pyro
Off their latest album which was actually released last year (I believe). I like all of their songs actually. I think I find it fascinating to listen to music from bands that have religious backgrounds. They come a southern evangelical background and now they're sangin' some rock and roll.
7. Augustana- Steal Your Heart
Completely different sound from their old stuff...but very appreciated. I really LOVE this song.
8. Nicki Minaj- Super Bass
I love Nicki Minaj. Old single but it's such a fun track. Plus, rapping with her in the car is extremely fun.

Songs I wish I could never hear again:
1. LMFAO- Party Rock Anthem
This is currently the most overplayed and annoying song on the radio. It drives me nuts. Every time I hear "Every day I'm shufflin'" I feel like barfing. Enough said.
2. Dev- In the Dark
Her voice is cool, unfortunately listening to her sing "think about it when you touch me there" likewise makes me feel like barfing.
3. Katy Perry ft. Kanye- E.T.
I'm so tired of picturing Katy Perry as an alien (please refer to music video) and I'm so tired of listening to this song. The lyrics are barfworthy alone. I've heard it all the way only a handful of times, but it's enough to let me know that if I didn't hear it ever again, it would be too soon.
4. Lil Wayne- How to Love
This song teeters between bad and good for me. It's weird that Lil' Wayne is singing a hip hop ballad but it's kind of creative and different...but his voice isn't nice enough to go with the song. I don't know. Shrugs! It's even weirder watching white girls try to cover the song.
5. Rihanna- S&M
NO! NO MORE! Chains and whips do not excite me okay?!?! Enough with the masochism. The girl had a huge controversy with Chris Brown for abuse and now she's singing about her masochism. ????
6. Adele- Rolling in the Deep
This song is rolling so deep in the grave right now thanks to serious overplaying. The rest of her album is good too! Please play another single.

2011-08-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

The first song to strike a pretty deep chord in me in a long time. Take a listen to it. No, really. If you're already here reading my blog, just listen to it.)

The first glimpse of light, I'll be looking for You Lord
Oh I'll be looking for You Lord
I'm in the belly of a whale
The first step I take I'll be headed the right way
Oh I'll be headed the right way
From the belly of the whale
The first song I sing I will sing it to You Lord
Oh I'll sing Hallelujah, Oh I'll sing Hallelujah
From the belly of the whale
Why do You love a heart that's not beating?
I have a heart that's not beating
But it was born for Hallelujah
I'm in the belly of the whale.

2011-07-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

Need some good music? Take a listen to these tracks!
1. American Bang- Wild and Young (actually an old track, but recently featured in the new Footloose trailer)
2. The Civil Wars- Poison and Wine (featured in a dance on So You Think You Can Dance)
3. The Naked & Famous- Young Blood (Asian girl singer!)
4. Behind Sapphire- Oh My, What a Fine Day (Super folky)
5. Foster the People- Helena Beat, I Would Do Anything For You (Their album is pretty good overall)
6. Two Door Cinema Club- This Is the Life (Indie, unique taste buds may like this one)
7. Lindy- Beautifully Undone, Picture of You (Canadian artist, album is from a while ago but good mellow music)
8. Coldplay- Every Teardrop is a Waterfall (If you haven't taken a listen to the new Coldplay, do it now!)
9. Demi Lovato- Skyscraper (I love Disney....but this song stands on its own)
10. Jump Little Children- The Cathedrals

I don't know why I wanted to post this. Sometimes I get really excited about new music and I don't know too many people that share the same music taste...but maybe, if I just open this up to everyone, I won't have to face the bitter rejection of the music I love hahahaha. Just kidding. But seriously.

2011-05-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 31:3
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."

I've realized that a good chunk of my faith was lived out alone. It was in my little room at home that I found God and found His heart. I might not have read the bible as much as my church going friends did, but I worshiped Him as my beautiful Savior and I prayed to Him as a dear friend that I met every night. I try to look back and remember why it was so much easier back then, that no matter how bad things got, no matter how negative I felt about things around me, I never stopped persevering and pushing after Him. I had no community, no church, no leaders to pour into me, no parents to share my discoveries with, and when my brother moved to college, I had no one whatsoever to talk to about the One I had found and fallen in love with. I try to trace back the roots of my faith to when I truly started believing and loving God, but it feels like it has been one continuous journey, like I've loved Him all my life without even knowing it. When my brother first shared about God, there was no questioning or doubting, I took it and I ran with it and there was never a moment in my youth when I even thought for a second that God was not real. I listened to Misty Edward's "I am Yours" in high school, when my friends were worrying about school and boys and other miscellaneous high school happenings, and I understood it with all my heart. I transcended with Him, I grew older and wiser with Him even though I was still in such a young body.
I suppose I suffer from the Peter Pan complex, that I forever wish to live in Neverland and my faith has grown weary in the midst of "adult life."But that's just it isn't it? It's in adult life when the real distractions come out and start heckling you every day. It's when you're older that something in your heart hardens and suddenly it doesn't take you much to start questioning, to start giving in, to start compromising...when you become the one detested Pirates of Neverland. No wonder God said only children would enter the Kingdom of God. When we get older, we get self centered, our focus is on ourselves and achieving whatever it is that we want to achieve. I want to get a good job, I want to marry a hot wife/husband, I want to do ministry and save people, I want to travel the world. All good things, but all starting with "I." Life looks bright when one of these things are checked off the laundry list and life looks dark when unanswered prayer keeps coming back to you with (seemingly) no one to receive it on the other line.
Yet I get this picture of God, sitting on the other end, waiting and listening, and hearing nothing on the other line. He sits and He waits for loving and adoring words that He once knew, He waits to hear our sweet voice call out to Him, to trust in Him and to remember that He is our Abba, Beloved, Friend. I wonder how heartbroken He is when we forget Him in our daily lives. I wonder how heartbroken He is when we start to treat Him as some entity that sits in heaven on high rather than one who came on this earth to live and breathe with us. I wonder how heartbroken He is when we coldly mumble a few words to Him in the hopes that we are performing our duty. I wonder how heartbroken He is when He hears us complain and whine and cry about everything under the sun. I wonder how heartbroken He is when we're not even on the other end of the receiving line anymore, distracted by things going on around us to the point of neglect. And yet He listens. He waits. He sits there so closely to us and watches for even a glance from our eyes, for a linger of hope that there is still that warm and loving heart that He created in us.
I don't want my faith to be based on how I'm feeling or what's going on in my life. I don't want it to be focused on unanswered prayer or even blessings. I want it to be focused on the One I am dwelling with, the One who dwells in me. A relationship isn't just a one way street where the focus becomes all about me and my life and the wonderful/bad things going on....etc. It's two ways, learning to bless one another. I don't want to love God because of what He'll do for me if I love Him enough, I don't want to try and earn His affection, it's not about getting something in return, it's about giving Him more. Its always been about Him.
He deserves to be loved rightly by me. He deserves to be lavished and cherished, to be blessed by me. He is worthy and faithful to the end. He is the only reason that I even live to begin with.
"He" always comes before "me."

2011-05-26T23:36:00.001-07:00

Serve God love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
And you know me

And man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

2011-05-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

When you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Up above candles on air flicker
Oh they flicker and they float
But I'm up here holding on
To all those chandeliers of hope.

Two things keeping me afloat tonight.

Vulnerable Joanne :)

2011-04-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, in this period of transition and of wrestling with God, I have to admit that I haven't really been looking deep down inside. I haven't fully opened myself up to see all of the things that I've shoved down over the years nor have I attempted to truly discover where a lot of my feelings are rooted from. When it comes to inner healing, I look to my past and think that I've dealt with the big things or at least have surrendered them over to God and yet, it still feels like there are gaping holes everywhere, voids that I still haven't been able to fill.
It has been a rough couple of days. Last week was spectacular and then this week suddenly changed. I can probably attribute this to spiritual warfare but I think God was trying to do something else in me. He wanted me to dig deep this time, to stop giving Him the superficial crap I give to others or even myself, and to really own up to the things going on inside. Spiritual warfare was present but I was reminded of Job, whom God gave open access to Satan because He knew that Job would come out faithful. In the midst of Job's struggles and all of the things Satan threw at him, there were questions and doubts and cries for help and it was to a somewhat quiet God. It's only at the end that he realizes that God had a plan all along, that this period of pain wasn't just for fun or just for the heck of it, that behind everything and every season there is a purpose.
If you know me, you probably know that I'm the ultimate Disney and Fairytale, lala land fan. I eat, drink, and sleep fairytales and dreams and pretty princesses. I love happily ever afters and sentimental moments that make your heart swell. However, growing up has allowed me to see that fairytales aren't real, that Disney characters will not magically pop up from my closet and reveal to me that I am the special little princess who gets to see them while the world has no clue of their existence. I have come to realize that Prince Charming does not come riding up on a white horse and that I will not be swept off to a castle where everything is always good and animals sing/talk to me. I have come to realize that life is not at all like a fairytale, not at all like the things we see in movies...not even close.
I wrestled with God today, trying to pray but not knowing what to say to Him anymore. Tired of apologizing to Him for being so weak and lame all the time, tired of presenting to Him a tarnished version of myself, tired of not being the "princess" worthy of her King's love.
But before I knew it, I said "God, You are my only fairytale now." A saying that my heart has been uttering for the past couple of weeks, but something I never took the time to listen to. This isn't a magical, lovely, moment mind you. It was a painful utterance, almost like a shattering of my ideals and hopes, a presentation of my shackles and chains to God. All of this time I've been so afraid. I've been so afraid that God is just like my fairytales, that one day, He will disappear just like everything else and I'll realize that there really is nothing left in this world to hope in (not meant to be emo right now). I've been afraid of the disappointment I would feel if one day, I found that the God I know, the one I've built a relationship with is just a big figment of my imagination. The gentle presence, the warmth, the voice, the words, all of it. That somehow in the end, I will find that it was all me, making up another fairytale in my mind to appease my groan for hope and joy, true freedom and true love.
The voids, the emptiness, the gaping holes that I could not explain were caused by my fear that God was going to disappear on me and leave me which lead to my disbelief in prayer, my lack of trust in Him, my lack of faith in His love for me, so much crap, and so many lies.
But God is my fairytale. The only true love story that exists and will not fade. A long long time ago, God sent His son, Jesus. He was magical (not in the Harry Potter sense). He was a man of miracles. He loved people. He walked on the very earth I walk on and then He thought of me. Of us. He chose to die on the cross, for me, for us, for His bride so that our sins and all of our imperfections could be covered by His blood. He died so that we could be with Him in eternity. The beauty of the gospel. The beauty of a true fairytale where happily ever after does exist.
Freedom. I feel it. A heart shift within me. Pin pointing the fear that has stifled my relationship. Changing things from head knowledge to heart knowledge.
God is my fairytale. Eternity is my happily ever after.

How I love You Lord, how I love You Jesus

2011-03-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

I've been on a journey, attempting to feel the peace of being in God's arms and to once again know that He loves me. Oh how I long for these things...

I'm desperately seeking, frantic believing, that the sight of Your face is all that I'm needing.

When did I become so self focused? Or have I always been this way? I'm beginning to realize how weak my love is, and how it can be so driven by my own selfishness. God loving me was so that I could love Him more, so that I could bring Him the rightful love and glory He deserves. It wasn't about getting the golden ticket so that I could waste my life focused on myself.

Isn't it so easy to just base our relationship with God on how well things are going on in our own lives? If it's a good day, if I get what I want, if things turn out the way I had hoped, then God is awesome and good and the bestest friend anyone could ever hope for. When things turn our for the worst, when prayers go unanswered, when I don't get what I want, when it seems like I am directionless, suddenly God is the enemy and He is the unsympathetic puppeteer that is just messing around with me. No. His love for me is so that I could glorify Him more. His ways are perfect, while mine are utterly imperfect. It isn't just about loving the Lord, it's about fearing Him and revering Him. It's about remembering that He's not just Joe Schmoe who lives down the street, but that He's the creator of the universe, that He is all powerful, boundless, faithful to the end. I am but a speck in this universe, but what is special about it is that He still sees me. He still sees the speck and He still loves the speck. He cherishes it, He cares for it, He listens to it. I am nothing, but He says that I am everything.

I think I've just realized how tired I am of hearing of a God that is structured and so one dimensional. As if the Lord of the universe could EVER be boxed in (which is probably why I don't like religious debate). Why do we try to box God in? Why do we think He only works in certain ways? Is He not creative enough to not always work the same way? Is He not creative enough to do things differently according to the situation He is working with? Is He not magnificent enough to be an all encompassing God? The God of the old testament and the new testament?

I remember just knowing God as a God that could do anything. One that was magnificent and glorious. The debates, the structure, the religious terminology, the ease with which I was able to pray "good prayers" diluted my love for a God that was so much bigger than any of that.

I'm letting go of the past.

I'm letting go of unanswered prayers.

I'm letting go of bitterness.

I'm letting go of the questions that seek to destroy my relationship with God.

I'm letting go of the lies.

I'm letting go of myself.

In return for a beautifully written future.

In return for prayers that will be answered in His time, and for the prayers that are being answered right now.

In return for joy and gladness.

In return for the answers that I will find when my heart is tenderized.

In return for the truth.

In return for Him. For Jesus. For the beautiful and precious Holy Spirit.

More of You, less of me.

Welcome back heart of flesh, you've been deeply missed.

That the Lamb would receive His reward in me.

Day and night we delight in You.

2011-03-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

I have a distinct feeling of suffocating today. Its been slowly building up, and the peak was reached at the gym, mid-class, when I left halfway through a class. Not in a dramatic way of course. I just packed up my stuff and left.
I'm tired today and unbelievably weary. I wish I had something redeeming to say about today or something encouraging, but I figure my blog doesn't always have to be rainbows and sunshine.
All I wanted to do after the gym was come home and eat comforting foods. Of course, that would be detrimental to what I just accomplished in the gym but I just wanted comfort. Comfort that I know is not going to come from eating junk food, or from listening to sad music, or from watching trash TV (wuddup Jersey Shore). Comfort that I know only God can bring, either I'm pushing it away, or He's not givin' it. Probably the former.
It has been a battle of ups and downs lately. One day I am victorious! The next..I am knocked back down. I've always loved a challenge and a way to grow so I say "Bring it on!" but today, I'm not so sure. The ups consist of days when I can peacefully hang out with my mom, when I meet up with old friends who can make me laugh, when I talk to special people on the phone, when I can watch a TV show I've been looking forward to, when I've been able to play the guitar and sing my heart out in worship to God. The downs consist of my parents piling their junk on me, my brother indirectly piling his junk on me...Really, that's actually it. I guess I'm starting to understand why people give me a "Good for you" kind of look when I tell them that I'm living at home. I was becoming okay about not knowing about the future but once I trip on my path, I don't just fall, I eat dirt and the anxiety builds up, the doubts pile in, the emotions that have been stuffed down and locked up pound at my chest as they yearn to be released, only to meet my strong shove back.
I'm not trying to be a drama queen, but honestly, there are just some really bad days aren't there? Days where I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry until my eyes are dry but I don't do any of these things. What's the use? And a quiet little sneaky voice wants to come in and ask "Who's listening anyways?"

God, speak to me please.
And if it's me, then please take the scales from my eyes or unplug my ears.
Anything.
I would give anything just to hear You say something.
Something. Anything.

2011-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

Good movies...I appreciate you so much.

2011-01-31T22:37:00.000-08:00

I have become the mediator for my brother and parents. When he goes missing I have to find him. When he doesn't respond to their phone calls, it's my responsibility to send texts and emails.
Honestly, it sucks.
As if I have the magic sisterly power that will get him to respond, and the later he responds, the more pressure I feel to have to get a hold of him.
I hate this pressure and it eats away at me with each day that I'm at home. It's an unsaid pressure to meet up to expectations that my parents have unknowingly placed on me and that my brother doesn't seem to acknowledge.
I have to be the perfect child. The one who answers phone calls, emails, any form of communication. The one who needs to get a good job and be an upstanding citizen. The one who is responsible all the time. The good Chinese daughter who will grow to be a subject of pride at the family gatherings. "Oh, yeah she's doing this now...and she's making lots of money...She's such a wonderful daughter..."
No wonder I have urges to rebel. No wonder there are moments when my parents talk to me and I just feel like shutting down. No wonder when my brother doesn't live up to my parent's expectations, I feel more and more upset that it transfers down to me.

Breathe in, breathe out. I'll be okay. Just another day.

2011-01-24T23:16:00.000-08:00

Don't lose who you are
In the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving; dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing; everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are.

Thanks Jessie J. Your song is speaking to my soul.

2011-01-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

I've been having scattered quiet times lately. Really scattered. The truth is, its been hard to even just talk to God. Once I start praying about what I'm going through, I suddenly get gripped with this feeling that I'm being selfish or whiny. Once I start praying for other people, my mind gets clouded with my own anxious and crappy feelings. So, the solution has been silence. Not really a solution, more like a way to just get by.
But one thing I've learned in my walk is that God is undeniable. When I haven't talked to Him, my heart aches for Him. When I haven't made a connection to Him, everything immediately begins to feel a bit crappier than before. My emotions get out of whack, I become overly sensitive to things I can normally brush off, I get defensive, I don't let things go...and at the end of the day, in the quietness of my room, while I'm sitting there in my own shame and iniquity, He comes and sets me free.
He tells me that it doesn't matter how far I run from Him, He'll always be right there with me.
He tells me it doesn't matter if I turn and talk to Him, but that He loves me even in my silence.
He tells me it doesn't matter if I sin and fall over and over again, His grace covers all.
He tells me it doesn't matter that I'm in a postgrad transition, He has good plans.
He tells me it doesn't matter how long I've been held captive by anything, He will set me free.
I am free.

2011-01-09T00:41:00.000-08:00

She was in the 4th grade and had voluntarily chosen to be in the boy's group for their field trip. It wasn't that she didn't have girl friends, but she had hated the way the girls clung to one another when it came to things like this. They would plan who they would group with and the exclusivity of it all bothered her 4th grade mind. She wanted to be different. She wanted to show people that she didn't follow the crowd and that she didn't need a security blanket like that of exclusive girl groups.
The gift shop looked old but in a charming antique sort of way. It was lit with small lanterns to create an atmosphere that could transfer its customers back in time. Her parents had given her $10 to spend on her field trip and this gift shop looked like the perfect place to spend it. She walked around, looking at different objects but realizing that nothing was within her budget. Finally, she walked to the counter and spotted a little jewelry rack with pretty rings and bracelets. She had wanted to bring something back for her mom, as if the souvenir would help her to experience the same trip that the young girl was having. A pair of silver bracelets caught her eye and the price was listed at $4.99.
The lady at the counter took the silver bracelets and rang them up on the register. Meanwhile she placed the bracelets into a little brown paper bag.
"Your total is $10.42."
The young girl pulled out the $10 bill she had in her little plastic wallet and handed it over to the lady. The lady stood there for a minute and looked down at the bill.
"I'm sorry, this is not enough. You need another 42 cents."
The girl stared back, unsure of what she meant. The price was written. It should have been perfect. She stood there a bit longer, feeling uneasy and confused. She looked over at the boys who were now staring at her and she looked to the chaperones who stood a few feet away. They all watched her standing there and her eyes pleaded with them for help but none of them gave an inch. She did not have enough.
Finally, the lady sighed and handed her the brown bag. She had seen the young girl's confusion and realized that the extra 42 cents was not going to come.
"It's okay. You can take it."
The young girl hesitantly took the bag into her hands and the group was gathered to leave. The purchase had not brought much joy and the moment of complete loneliness in the store had gripped her. She had not just bought two bracelets that day. She had bought a seed of shame and the realization that sometimes, not always, her battles would sometimes be fought alone.

2011-01-06T12:19:00.000-08:00

She sat there with tears coming down her face. Unexplainable, unrelenting, and her heart pounded within her chest, aching for some kind of release from all that it felt. And in that moment, there was nothing else other than loneliness, a feeling that had become so familiar, that it hadn't felt like loneliness for a long time. It was easy to write it off as the desire to be alone, but who ever wants to be alone? There were things she needed to say, but things she refused to say. She didn't need a grand gesture, gifts, anything. All she really needed was someone who could understand.

"I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted
to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free."
— Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar)

2011-01-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

You placed this longing in my heart.
He placed this longing my heart.
I've been wrestling with this for a while. Would it have been easier if I was someone who didn't long? Would it have been easier if I was someone who was happy with being comfortable? Would I have been better off being a lukewarm Christian? Doing just enough to gain entrance into Heaven, but not really do anything that glorified God.
What a weak romance that would have been between He and I.
Imagine hearing that in a romantic movie...
Lover, I love you and all but I'm going to go out and do what I want, be with who I want to be with, hurt you over and over again, because I know you'll still be here in the end.
That has been the struggle these past couple of months. I want to lavish God with my love, not just Sunday church going love, or a weekly offering, I want my life to ooze God's love. I wonder if I got a job right now, if I would be that much happier or I wonder if I had all the answers right now if I would love God anymore. Isn't it weird that when we get what we want is when we believe God is blessing us? Isn't He always blessing us? Isn't He always with us, in love with us, caring for us, guiding us? Why does He only gain recognition when everything is in perfect place?
That's a lie isn't it? The perfect job is going to make me that much happier and that much more likely to love God. The perfect relationship is exactly what I need to really push me to love God. If I had a lot of money and had a comfortable living, God deserves all the praise.
My prayer life has been so clouded lately, by anxious thoughts and questions upon questions that I just end up sitting and feeling frustrated with myself and with God. As I tried to sit and worship today (something I loved to do) it was so hard for me to just sing what was on my heart. It was hard to sing about God's love for me. It was hard to sing about His blessing in my life and I realized it's because it's so easy to just become egocentric about life. Its been this weird wrestle with God with me asking "God, if You placed this longing in my heart then why aren't You responding?"
And the response..."If I love Him and long for Him so much, how could I doubt that He's doing something even in the midst of confusion? Would I doubt someone I loved like that? Is that how I would treat a lover?"
So, I will choose to praise Him at all times. Similarly to how I've loved others, it doesn't matter what state I'm in, I love them enough to still want to give them my best and He deserves the best.

And happy am I, to live a hungry life
Blessed am I, to thirst
Disillusionment, it is my gift within
I am blessed, I am blessed among men.

2010-12-30T23:28:00.001-08:00

I lift my eyes to You.

Since middle school, I've prayed for my entire being to surrendered to God.
I told Him to show Himself to me, to lift me out of the slimy pit.
I've prayed that I would follow Him all the days of my life.
I prayed that He would rescue me from temptation.
I prayed that He would be with me in everything I do and say.
I prayed that I would live a lifestyle of following after Him.
I prayed that He would purge me of myself so that there could be more of Him.
I prayed that I wouldn't just believe Him but that my whole life would be lived out to glorify Him.
I prayed I wouldn't be lukewarm or complacent, I prayed that I could do radical things for Him and see signs and wonders.
I sang songs of worship that continually told Him that every part of myself, every single fiber of my being was His.
He reminded me today that He takes my prayers seriously. He hears. He's still listening. And even the things I don't pray aloud to Him, the things that I churn over in my head, He acknowledges.
And as I sit here in this transition period, where I'm being stripped down to nothing, I know I'll find Him there.
I know I'll find Him there.
And today, as I was once again reminded of all of my shortcomings, the ways I fail and fall over and over again, the things that I know still need healing, He said "It's okay."
The simple two words that I've been waiting to hear.
It's okay.

2010-12-29T23:19:00.000-08:00

I won't give up

I won't give in

If I don't quit, I'll win, I'll win.

All I want to win is the look on Your face

I want to hear You say, "You loved me well."

2010-12-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

“Do you know how you've caught my eye in the secret place where you chose to die?

Do you know the way you move me? I see every time you laid down those other things for me, I see every time you seek my face beloved one. I see every movement of your heart towards me, I do. I see every little movement of your heart towards me. Though you're weak my beloved, I see your love, I see your love. And though it's small my beloved, I see your heart, I see your love. And though it ain't much my beloved one, I see the way that you want me, that you need Me, that you've gotta have Me, I see it. I see every little desire, every little passion, every little piece of hunger, every little thing, I see it all. Nothing goes unseen from My eye, nothing goes unseen from My gaze. Every time you look towards Me, I see it, EVERY TIME you stare at Me I see it, I see your love, how small it may be I see it all my beloved one. Every time you look My way I see it, every time you stare at me I see it. Though it feels a little weak sometimes, though it feels a little broken sometimes, I see every second, every little glance, every little glance my way, I see it, I see it, I love it, I love it, I love you just the way you are, I love you, I love you, listen my beloved one. Every little glance towards me, I see it. Every little time you look at me I see it. Every movement of your heart, every movement of your heart, I see it.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know? Do you know the way you undo My heart My beloved? I love every sacrifice you've made, every time you say no one cares, I see it. Do you know the way you move Me?

You're beautiful just the way you are. You're beautiful My love, My dove, My fair one, My bride, I love you right where you are, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll never stop, I'll never stop! I'm so in love with you, my bride, I'm so in love with you my fair one. With every single little glance, with every movement of your will, with every decision that you've made, I'm undone. I love you with an everlasting love, I love you with an everlasting love. I'm not disappointed in you, I'm not angry with you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. So don't hide your face from me, I'll break off shame, I'll break off condemnation, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone, you're free. You've ravished me, I'm undone, I'm not disappointed, I'm not angry, I'm in LOVE with you! You've ravished me, I'm in love with you.

Do you know how you've caught my eye in the secret place where you chose to die? Where you chose to lay it all down, where you chose to follow me, where you chose to take up that cross day after day after day after day. You've ravaged my heart, you have. Just one glance of your eye, just one. My heart it's undone every time you look at me. Everyday that you don't give up, that you don't let go, that you don't look down, my heart it's undone, my heart it's ravaged.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?

I saw when you gave it all up. I did. I saw it when you gave it all up. You passed up opportunity after opportunity just to seek me, just to find me, just to love me a little longer, I saw it. And it moved my heart. Don't think those little sacrifices go unnoticed. Don't think those little times go unnoticed, when you think I'm not looking at you. I saw it, I saw when you gave up everything to follow me, I did. I did and I'm pleased, and I'm proud, and I'm not mostly disappointed, and I'm not mostly mad, and I'm not mostly sad, and I'm happy with you and I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. My beloved one.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?

I saw it when you left your friends behind, and I saw it when you left your family behind, and I saw it when you gave up everything just to follow me, just so you could love me a little bit more. I saw it when you left your friends behind, and I saw it when you left your family behind, and I saw it when you gave up everything, when you let go of everything just to find me, I saw it. I'm pleased and I'm proud. I love you, thank you! It really means something to Me that you did it all. It really means something to me that you gave it all up, that you gave it all up, and it's not for nothing, I'll meet you there in the longing. It's not for nothing, it's not for nothing, it's not for nothing. I saw it, I saw it.

Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?

I saw it when you took the narrow road, I saw it when you took the road less traveled, I saw it when you took that narrow road, it's a little bit lonely sometimes, I saw it. I saw it when you left your friends behind and took that narrow road of love. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I love you, and I love you. I love you. I see your HEART, and I SEE YOUR HEART! That you want Me, I see it.I see it. I see it.”

2010-12-25T19:30:00.001-08:00

This song is weirdly therapeutic today.

Happy Birthday Jesus! You were always my favorite gift.

I love rain.

2010-12-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

I love rain and it has been raining in our area for about a week now. I told my parents I enjoyed it because it matched my mood. They both gave me the "Oh silly Joanne" type response and we moved on from the topic.
The truth is, the rain and the storming has been matching my mood. To be honest, my life isn't a storm right now. Things are fairly calm, I'm at home with my family in a nice warm house. I have parents that are not pressuring me to do anything but rest. I have a cute dog named Pepper who is a menace, but who is still so cute that I can't help but love her (bruises and bite marks aside). Nothing particularly traumatic has happened, nor is there any turmoil going on within the family. So all in all, life at home is peaceful.
But I realize that a lot of the things that I've been going through have been very internal, things that aren't easily seen on the surface.
Today as I was driving, I felt like God was saying "Joanne, it's time for you to come into the storm." I know that's not a usual invitation from the Lord, or at least He never really puts things that way but it was clear and He repeated it to me over and over again. Come into the storm. Something I've been desperately trying to avoid for a few months now.
When Jesus told Peter to come out of the boat and walk on water, he was entering into a storm. (no, this is not where I will break out into a sermon we've all heard one too many times). The invitation was simple, "come." Now, Jesus could have easily made the storm, wind and darkness go away. In fact, Jesus probably could have made the sun appear and caused birds to sing as He and Peter danced on the water but instead, He called him into a storm and by now, it's obvious that He never does anything without purpose.
I've been stepping around the boat, waiting for that bright sun and those little cute birds to come flying out as I make my attempt to walk on water but I've been called into the storm going on within my heart, to walk on water when it seems like everything else is telling me to stay in the boat. Oh, but Jesus is too undeniable for me to just get complacent and hang out in my boat, as easy as that would be.
I know that once I step out of the boat, there's really no going back. It's either sink or walk and while it's always been an easy choice for me to get out of the boat, the actual walk has been difficult. Do I really want to enter into my storm? What if I sink? What if I fail miserably and end up at the bottom of the sea being eaten by fish? All of these "what ifs" cloud my mind and suddenly I find myself turning back and looking at my little boat, wondering if I should get back in even though the SON OF GOD is calling me forward.
If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you,
Then how can you contend with horses?
And if in the land of peace
in which you trusted, they wearied you,
Then how will you do in the floodplains of the Jordan?
Jeremiah 12:5-6.
If I can't even be strong and survive this phase of my life, how the heck am I going to do anything when things get even harder? If I can't constantly have the praise of the Lord in my mouth now, how am I going to do it when I'm attempting to get people who have the hardest hearts and strongest demons saved? If I can't proclaim truth in a place where truth is still very tangible, then how am I going to do it in a place where truth is no where to be found?
God is for me. God is for you. Why is that so hard to remember sometimes?
So many of us walk through our lives never dealing with our storms. It's easy to mask it or even to just deny that it's there.
Let me go watch some TV and deny that ache in my heart for more.
Let me go and burn myself out with ministry so that even though I know I have a lot of crap going, at least I'm earning points with Him by still working so hard.
What is that? I despise lackluster faith. I really do. I'm no better than the next lackluster person, falling into temptation and sin left and right and while God extends grace over and over again, I keep wondering why it's so easy to offer pearls before swine. When will we begin to start offering our gold before Him and stop thinking it's okay to continually give Him our crap and scatter our riches on the earth?
So, here I am, knowing that it's time to enter the storm. I know I'm not meant to have a job right now, I'm not meant to know the next step, I'm not meant to have any clue what happens next, because none of that will mean anything before I deal with the storm, before I learn how to solidify myself so deeply in God and His love for me. I would be so distracted and that's what I've been trying to do. I've been trying to distract myself from thinking about how empty and lifeless things have felt.
Let me go find a job (even though I know nothing I find right now is what I really want.)
Let me apply to grad school (because at least I'll feel some stability if I have somewhere to go, even though my heart is telling me no)
Let me continue to offer my pearls before swine (even though He is pouring His riches all over me).
No, that's enough. I'm tired of playing prodigal son. As nice and endearing of a story it is that God will always welcome us back into His arms, I don't want to be that son, I want to be like His son.
Here's to walking into the storm and refusing to settle for lackluster faith.
Here's to knowing that in the storm, He will uplift me, He will embrace me, He will love me to no end.

Like oil upon Your feet
like wine for You to drink
like water from my Heart
I'll pour my love on You.
If praise is like perfume, I'll lavish mine on You,
Till every drop is gone,
I'll pour my love.
Rightly do we love You, Son of God, Son of Man.
Rightly do we love You, Jesus.

I will give You Your rightful praise on this earth and into eternity. I will give You Your rightful reward
because I love You.

2010-12-10T22:55:00.000-08:00

I sat in my mom's room sobbing, feeling extremely overwhelmed but not really quite sure about what. The breaths come in short spurts, like they did when you cried as a kid. I find myself gasping for air, gasping for some time of comfort in the midst of the bottled up pain I can feel in my chest.
I tell Him that I'm sad, that I'm frustrated, that my heart still hurts, that I'm lovesick. I tell Him that I haven't forgiven Him for a season of my life that I never could explain understand. Then, as I sit there, I feel His presence come beside me and suddenly I close my eyes and I'm not alone anymore. I see Sweetie perch her head on my leg. She always understood me. They both stay with me for a while and He tells me to not be sad, to know that one day I will understand and He will have an answer for me, to know that she'll be waiting for me too and it's going to be so beautiful when I get there, walking with Him day by day. I tell Him I love Him, I tell her I love her.
I tell Him I'm sorry, but He already knows.
I open my eyes and I'm back in my mom's room sitting on the carpet floor but...I don't feel so alone and heartbroken this time.

2010-12-01T13:51:00.000-08:00

It has been an interesting past couple of days filled with highs and lows but I'm used to it. It feels like a familiar fight that I know I will be victorious in.
This weekend someone told me that when they looked at me, they felt like they always had this sense of loneliness when they looked at me (not to be mistaken with being a loner). She said that it seems like I have a lot of friends, a lot of community, but that when she looked at me she just felt like I was still very alone in the world. At first when she said this I wasn't sure if I felt like it was true. I've never really struggled with loneliness, cherishing alone time a lot more than being in large groups of people, but I've realized that what she says is actually very valid. I do have a lot of friends, a lot of community, I could make a phone call and there would be plenty of people to hang out with, but the idea is not that I need that physical presence there, it's having someone who truly understands me, inside and out. It has always been my desire to be known, to really be known for who I am and to be accepted for it. I spend my time attempting to understand and know every person not because I just like to dig into people's lives, but because I understand that human desire to be known and to be understood and because I hope that by doing so, one day they will want to know me too. Unfortunately, that desire has burned me one too many times and so now I realize that I'm just alone, unwilling to really open up because there's this thought that no one will ever truly know me, nor will anyone really try to. So, I spend my time alone, because I know myself and God knows me, but in that sense, it really does just seem like I'm alone in the world. Alone to the point where I'm unwilling to tell people my dreams, unwilling to share the deepest and darkest parts of myself, unwilling to fully just be open and honest. I've shared bits and pieces, took risks in just sharing, but I'm waiting to break open...to be me. to be loved for being me.
Sigh.

I just want to bless Your name
I just want to make You glad
I just want to move Your heart God, to give You all I am
For it's by Your will and for Your pleasure I exist.
You are worthy Lord.

I love You. Thanks for loving me too.

2010-11-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

A lot bubbles underneath the surface, the surface composed of pretty things and smiling faces, a calm composure that says "I've got it all under control," a demeanor that says "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"....

This is not me being emo or letting my feelings get away with me. This is truth. There's a lot of brokenness everywhere, all over the world, in our work places, in our schools, in our churches, in our circle of friends, seeping from every corner of my house...and as much as I try to deny it, it cannot and will not be denied. It aches a lot of the time, sitting and listening to another conversation of brokenness masked by angry words, yelling, and the hopelessness settles in like it has a rightful place in my heart. I've realized that I don't like leaving my house because it's like taking a break and finding peace and then walking right back into the storm. I feel like if there is a storm, I'm going to endure it, the tease of being in a state of peace and joy is worse than being in the actual storm, at least for me. Weird right? Tonight is one of those nights where it just aches, a lot. It aches to a point where I'm afraid to call out to God, afraid that even He can't answer my aching. I know that He will...I know that He sees it all, sees the brokenness, sees the deep wounds that refuse to be healed......

But sometimes, it just aches.

2010-11-19T12:36:00.000-08:00

12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Grace and Glory- Merchant Band

This was the image I got while praying today. It's not the most gentle image ever but I think it represents the state I'm in perfectly. "Underneath all of that is your heart." I realize that sometimes healing, restoration, dying to oneself, is not going to happen in a night, that sometimes it takes time and patience before all of the layers are peeled back and the heart of flesh is restored, before all of the things that suffocate us, hold us in, strap us down, will be broken.

How we love You, O Lamb of God.

GREs can suck it.

2010-11-09T16:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the title of this post. It was my initial thought, so I decided to be candid and just put it up there. But seriously, GREs can suck it.
Needless to say, I did not do as well as I had hoped. Okay, I didn't completely flunk the test either, but hey, I'm Asian and you know how that goes. I came home and ate half a bag of popcorn, and about 13 hot cheeto puffs and then plopped myself right in front of the TV. It's interesting how a test could make such a big difference in how you feel, but worse, it can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself. A measly old test can bring an entire day down. Once I stepped out of the testing center, words like "failure" and "stupid" started flying into my head. I don't even really remember the drive home, all my brain was thinking was "what am I going to do now?"
My mom came home with a bag of groceries and saw me plopped down on the couch.
"I bought you steak!" she said gleefully as I continued to sulk in my misery. "You want me to make it for you?" I sighed and didn't really say anything. Honestly, I just felt really undeserving of steak, or my mom for that matter.
A little while later after I told my mom that I scored poorly...
"Who cares about the stupid test? You can take it again anyways if you want, but who cares? What's done is done. Don't think about it anymore. You didn't study that long, it's not a bad score."
A test. A measly old test was enough to cause me to question everything. Man, Asian kids and their Asian standards, but more so, man, the ways the enemy can attack are many but...the ways the truth is revealed are many as well.
A pep talk from mom, and a steak made from love later...GREs, bad days, vocabulary sections, and lies can suck it...I have a good God.

2010-11-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

This is what I'm listening to as I study.....I would've put the video but it's unbelievably shady...not that the lyrics of the song don't speak for themselves.

South Central does it like nobody does.

2010-11-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

I'd give you the day but it's not mine yet.

2010-11-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

The days are getting closer to my test date and I find myself slacking off more than ever. You would think that I would be pounding endless vocabulary words into my head and mastering all types of math problems but...I'm not. Today I said I would study, and when I began I ended up taking a nap instead. After I napped I said I would study and instead, I watched Family Feud and Jeopardy. After I finished watching, I decided that I couldn't wait to watch the new Degrassi episode and then proceeded to indulge in that as well. Now, it's 9:30 pm and my day is done and here I am, blogging. As I feel more and more guilty about not studying today, the more inclined I am to do other things to continue my procrastination. I have a strong lack of commitment to this test...why? Because I don't want to take the test and because I don't want to go to grad school.
There, I've said it. I don't want to go to graduate school. I've never pictured myself going to graduate school. I've never pictured myself as a marriage and family therapist, school counselor, psychotherapist, etc etc. They were all nice ideas but it was never what I wanted. People ask me all the time what I want to do and if I always wanted to be a therapist and the truth is, I say yes because that's what I think I'm expected to say. Sure, I can spew off a nice enough reason for why it would be nice to be a therapist, but they're all just words.
But there's this feeling that I'm in too deep now, that the path has been paved for me and there is no other route to take. Heh, someone who always encouraged others to pursue their dreams and to do what they want, to follow God's calling, how ironic. I'm paralyzed by my own fear that if I go off path, I'm going to fail and then that leads into a whole other slew of thoughts in which I acknowledge that I haven't fully entrusted God with my future, but then that just gets messy so I won't talk about it.
Okay, enough with the rant, back to studying I go. For real this time.

2010-10-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to become enclosed in your own little bubble. You may not even do it intentionally, but it happens and before you know it, you either become comfortable and settle, or you struggle to break free. The bubble looks so pretty from the inside and nothing can touch you. It takes its shape through the perfect job, good grades, a Christian fellowship, a perfect bf/gf/spouse, bountiful personal belongings, a roof over your head, etc. etc. The bubble is so nice, from the inside nothing evil exists and nothing bad can ever happen to you or to those around you. You live for your bubble, tending to it when it gets too close to something sharp, repainting it and decorating it according to the season you're in, chasing away anything that will dampen the spirits of that bubble, and you settle into it for the rest of your life.
But the problem with a bubble is that even though you're safe inside, everything else around you is chaos, unless of course you surround yourself with people that have created their own bubbles as well. You can try to decorate it, put up new trophies, but you'll still be able to see at least a sliver of the outside world and you'll still feel that tug on your heart as see the darkness and the crap that revolves around you. We try so hard to sweep things under the rug, to forget those hopes and dreams that we once had of changing the world for the better, of showing the broken and the lost that there is a God who is abounding in love, that there is a God who is powerful enough to strike down all evil and yet gracious enough to forgive all sin. Instead, it becomes all about us and our bubble, and how we need to tend to perfecting our little words and ignoring all the other stuff because the other stuff will tell us that we need to get out of our comfort zone and do something, even if what we do results in fruit that we cannot see.
I don't like bubbles. I reallhy don't. I'll be the first to admit that the American Dream and the bubble life does feel nice at times and then the dissatisfaction kicks in. Who am I to be so privileged unless I know that I've been blessed with the power to do something and change things for others that are less fortunate?
I don't want the perfect job, or the perfect spouse, the perfect house, the perfect white fence with the 2 1/2 kids and the perfect dog. I don't need any of that. I need more of Him. If I were to never achieve the American Dream but got to see Him move in power in this world, to see darkness defeated by light, to see love prevail over evil...that would be my dream, that would be my perfection because He is perfect and I am not, but somehow He can use my imperfection and my imperfection is where His power lies.
Enough with bubbles. Lets do this.

2010-10-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

Once we understand God's desire to possess our heart through love rather than power, we can fathom even more deeply the depths of God's anguish as he pleads with Israel through the prophets to give up their spiritual adultery and return to his love. We can also comprehend the fierceness of his jealousy for the heart and spiritual well-being of his chosen ones as he raises up nations and armies to obliterate the society and culture that have become a breeding ground for the enemy's seduction of their heart. "I do this so you will know that it is I Who am the Lord your God" is the heart message he brings to Israel in Ezekiel and Jeremiah. "And when you have been stripped naked and ravished, your hearts will again call out to me for rescue and I will come and destroy your enemies."
Have you ever had to literally turn a lover over to a mortal enemy to allow her to find for herself what his intentions toward her really were? Have you ever had to lie in bed knowing she was believing his lies and was having sex with him every other night? Have you ever sat helplessly by in a parking lot, while your enemy and his friends took turns raping your lover even as you sat nearby, unable to win her heart enough so she would trust you to rescue you? Have you ever called this one you had loved for so long, even the day after her rape, and asked her if she was ready to come back to you only to have her say her heart was still captured by your enemy? Have you ever watched your lover's beauty slowly diminish and fade in a haze of alcohol, drugs, occult practices, and infant sacrifice until she is no longer recognizable in body or soul? Have you ever loved one so much that you even send your only son to talk with her about your love for her, knowing that he will be killed by her? (And in spite of knowing all of this, he was willing to do it because he loved her, too, and believed you were meant for each other.)
The journey of our individual hearts, as well as the heart of an entire nation or culture, really distills into this warfare for our heart's devotion. Indeed, all the subplots of our lives come out of it. Satan has camouflaged this simplicity with a thousand other religions, psychologies, philosophies, knowledges, and mysticisms over the centuries, but the embers of the love affair, sustained by God's faithfulness, have refused to die and grow completely cold.

do we realize what we have in our hands? do we realize what we talk about every day, whispering extreme devotion in our hearts, preaching it over and over, only to have it hold no ground as other temptations come along? are we truly devoted to Him? Or are we devoted to saying that we are, to saying that we really care about His people, to saying that we pray everyday, to saying that we are going to fast but not really knowing why, to saying that we believe in His power and His truth and that He is a good God, to saying that our life's purpose is to live our life for Him? Or are we going to do it?

2010-10-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just have a desire to be understood, without having to say anything.
I long for the moments where you could just sit and a friend would just know what's happening and the silence isn't awkward or uncomfortable. It's healing.
The silence, marked by intimacy and a deep understanding of one another's hearts, blocks out the forceful and loud voices and the taunting and belligerent thoughts and words that jumble up inside of my head. What a rarity to find that type of silence. What a rarity to really be understood. To have someone look at you and just know. For the silence to be louder and more powerful than the words. For the silence to be greater and more revelatory than the thoughts. For someone to know your heart without you having to put it all out there for display.
I'm so tired of petty, worldy, things. I'm so tired of thinking about things that are going to fade like grass. I'm tired of fiddling my fingers, calculating, thinking and overthinking. I'm tired of letting temporary things distract me from my upward gaze.
I want to be stripped bare of all that I have and all that hinders me from more of God. I want to know what it feels like to truly be a follower of God. What kind of surrender it requires. What kind of heart shifts and risks come with being ruined for God. to really take Him seriously. To step out of comfortable bubbles, old roles, conforming.
I'm tired of superficiality. Tired of words and promises that hold no ground in light of other things that are more tempting or desirable.
I'm just tired.
But really, my hope, my strength, my joy, my life, it comes from no where else.
Tomorrow is another day and the morning is always new.

2010-10-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

I love Postsecret.

2010-10-20T01:09:00.000-07:00

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss

Now, if only I could get myself to believe that I don't care about those who mind.

2010-10-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

Psalm 62

For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.

1My soul finds rest in God alone;

my salvation comes from him.

2He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3How long will you assault a man?

Would all of you throw him down—

this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4They fully intend to topple him

from his lofty place;

they take delight in lies.

With their mouths they bless,

but in their hearts they curse. Selah

5Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

6He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7My salvation and my honor depend on Goda;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge. Selah

9Lowborn men are but a breath,

the highborn are but a lie;

if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;

together they are only a breath.

10Do not trust in extortion

or take pride in stolen goods;

though your riches increase,

do not set your heart on them.

11One thing God has spoken,

two things have I heard:

that you, O God, are strong,

12and that you, O Lord, are loving.

Surely you will reward each person

according to what he has done.

I've been incapable of being still lately. I've been anxious and all over the place these past few weeks. Well, maybe I can extend that to since I graduated. My prayer times have been scattered as well, unable to fully commit to a set aside time to just engage. I find that my anxiousness has caused me to be incapable of fully committing to anything. I'm studying for the GREs. sort of. I'm training my new dog. sort of. I'm applying to grad school. sort of. I'm trusting the Lord. sort of.

I attempt to be so self sufficient only to feel like I have zero control over anything. Like Psalm 62 has so clearly pointed out, my soul is only going to find rest in God alone. He alone is my rock and foundation. There is no room for my control, there is no room for me to become self sufficient, there is no room for anything or anyone else to cause me to feel peace or to feel whole.

Any other offer of reassurance or stability not grounded in Him should be offensive to me because I know how good He is and how powerful He is and that nothing else can satisfy the way He does. But do I really know that?

I will, if it's the last thing I do.

2010-10-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

I dread the next moments or the possibility of the next moments.Surely this situation will end in another brawl of words that cannot be taken back, of pent up frustration that bubbles beneath their skin every day, of years and years of hurt that has yet to be restored. I get quiet, only because my heart is churning within me, full of masked fear that has now been replaced by feeling of jadedness and hopelessness. I pretend that it's not a big deal to me, that I'm used to the daggers they throw at one another every time one of them hurts/disappoints the other. I turn on the TV hoping that it will help alleviate the tension of the situation, I try to plan out ways that I can help stifle the possibility of another argument. Maybe if I talk about my day, or my plans to attend grad school, or if I ask some questions about the sports game playing in the background, then the emotions will subside.
Sometimes the tension subsides as the emotions are pushed back down and sometimes, the volcano erupts. It starts slowly as things begin to spew out here and there and by the end, the lava is full flow, covering and burning everything in its path and I find myself in my bed late at night, replaying words, replaying scenes, wondering where I could have been the savior of the situation.
It's hard to see how imperfect the world is and not want to take the situation into my own hands. I may not be able to provide full healing, but at least I can help in alleviating the situation right? Wrong. Who wants partial healing? It's like letting a wound heal into a scab and then having it get ripped off only to reveal the even more sensitive flesh underneath, that has grown weary in its attempt to patch things up. I want full healing, full restoration and there really is only One that can do that.
We say over and over again how much we trust God, how good He is, how much we love Him and how much He loves us...but if we really understood these things, if they were all true in our hearts, then we would never turn to other lovers. Nothing would satisfy us the way He does. Even a momentary lapse into sin would not tempt us because He would be all we need. I hate that feeling and I'm completely guilty of it. I hate the feeling as my heart begins to turn and shift away from Him towards other things. I dread the feeling of coming back to Him and presenting my shame and my own sinfulness as if I'm like a dog who has peed on my master's favorite shoes, or like a cheater who is crawling back to her first love and hoping for a second chance. However, if I position myself in such a way, then there is no true love relationship between He and I. I become the condemned and He becomes the condemner and obviously, that's just not how God works. He could never feel that way towards me, us. He loves me unconditionally. Oh how I wish that truth would burn itself into my heart.
Even as I turn to my feelings of hopelessness and despair, as I start to allow myself to believe that I can be self sufficient, He's still waiting, waiting until I realize that only He can bring me the freedom and love I thirst and hunger for.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Will bring her into the wilderness,
and speak comfort to her,
I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.
She shall sing there,
As in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
Hosea 2:14-15

2010-10-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have about a bajillion drafts hanging out on my blog now. I start a post and then before I can finish it, my mind has moved onto the next thing. I wonder if it will happen to this one as well. I guess we'll see. If you are reading this right now, I guess this one managed to make its way out of my brain and onto the web.

She was upset. I could tell. The slamming of the door was a clear sign that she was not happy and she never slammed the door unless she meant business. I made my to the room and slowly opened the door, half expecting it to be locked, half expecting to find her sitting in the middle of the room crying. However, she wasn't in sight but I heard shuffling to my right. She made her way around the room, never really looking me in the eyes. She cleaned, she folded, she paced and then I decided to break the silence.
"What's wrong? What happened?"
She stopped and looked at me and before I knew it, she was crying. I haven't been good with tears lately, not my own, and certainly not others. I never quite know what to say, or how to make the situation better. I used to think it was because I didn't understand what people were going through, but now I realized it's because I understand all too well how much things can hurt. Sometimes, there just aren't the words to make a situation feel better. The feeling of injustice boils in my stomach, and I wish so badly that I had the answers.
"What am I living for? Tell me, what am I living for?"
I am silent.
"I do the same things every day. I wake up in the morning. I eat breakfast with him. I sit around not knowing what to do. Sometimes I clean, sometimes I watch TV, sometimes I go out and see my friends, and then at night I come home and cook. After I cook, I clean, and then I watch some TV and I go to sleep. The next day is the same. I have no freedom. I have nothing."
I still don't know what to say.
"Sometimes, I think that the dead are luckier than the living. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a living dead person. What do I have to live for, except you and your brother? All I want is to see you two happy. In the meantime, I'm waiting here until God decides it's time to take me to Heaven."
Ugh, come on, say something. But what?
"So tell me, what do I live for? I have no friends. I have no job. My family is not here."
I have no words. I don't know how to comfort her. I don't know what to say. What is she living for? Do I tell her that she's been placed on this earth to go and spread the good news? No. Because she would have no idea what I'm talking about. Do I tell her that God has a plan and a purpose for her when it's hard to see evidence of that around her? I can't. I can' t tell her that when I don't even understand it. So I remain silent.
She begins shuffling around again, doing random things around the house, until I stop and hug her tightly.
"Your worth is not determined by how much you do, or what we think of you, or what people think of you. God loves you a lot and you are precious to Him."
She sniffles and says "Mm."

I know I'm a pretty intense person. Don't get me wrong, I know how to have fun and laugh and be silly, but my mind never stops running and I mean that. It NEVER stops running. Once you've managed to begin to scratch the surface of how complex the human heart and mind is, it's impossible to stop going deeper. Sometimes, I find myself in so deep that I wish I didn't try to press in so much, that I just let sleeping dogs lie, or let...sleeping thoughts lay dormant so I could just keep moving forward.
I've grown so tired of Christianese. As deep and as "moving" all of the words are, if it's just being said for the simple fact that it can create a sense of intimacy, it means nothing compared to actual intimacy. I catch myself wanting to engage in the Christian lingo and I stop. I refuse to say things unless I fully understand it for myself, unless I really believe in everything that I'm saying.
I didn't know what to say to her. I really didn't. I'm told to dream big and I can't help but feel sad that she wasn't allowed to dream big. I'm told that God can do extraordinary things in my life and people's lives and I think about her and wish so badly that she could experience extraordinary things. I see them every day and I just wonder if they really know how much they mean to me. They keep living for me, keep working for me, and sometimes I really want to just tell them to stop, so they can start living for themselves and living for God.
I'm just really hungry for God. I'm not hungry actually, I'm starving.
Okay, distraction starting. Post!

2010-10-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

I had 3 wonderful roommates that believed in me through some of my most formative years in college. They would encourage me every time I started to panic. They would tell me that they knew I was destined for greatness or that they could just feel it. None of this done in a superficial "Oh no, she's not doing so hot, time to do some hardcore affirmation" way. They believed in me, for me. They believed in God's truths and promises for me.
I may not have that anymore but God was so intentional about my years in college. God foresees what I can't see. He believes in me, for me. He knows His promises and good plans.
Now...It's time for me to start believing in myself.

Thank you roommates. You guys don't know how little notes, emails, verbal affirmations, etc...have managed to bring me to today.
Thank You God. Thanks for knowing me inside and out. I love You. a lot.

Lead.

2010-10-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a Dodgers game with my dad. I didn't expect it to be that fun, but I ended up enjoying it a lot. It was nice to get away from my house, away from my gmail account, away from my GRE books.
I've felt very constipated with emotion lately. That sounds really gross but I hope you know what I mean. It feels like all of these emotions are getting stuffed down and there is no place for me to just release it. As I feel more and more stuffed, I talk less and I feel less. I'll just be honest, it freaking sucks.
As my dad drove to the game tonight I told him that I had a lot of expectations for myself. He told me that he knew and that maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself and that I should just take it easy.The more he told me that I should take it easy, the more I wanted to burst out screaming from all of my pent up frustration. He said "The more you worry and stress out like this, the more your mother and I worry." Funny, it's not my parents putting pressure on me, it's me. He said "I guess you wish we would've pushed you in a certain direction..." and in my head I wanted to scream yes. I wish they had been the overbearing Asian parents that forced me into something...that way I wouldn't be caught in this limbo. Doctor, lawyer, engineer, whatever you want mom and dad, I'll do it. And then I settle down and I really think about it and I realize how blessed I am to have parents that support me in whatever I want to do. If my parents have this much grace on me, I can't even imagine what kind of grace God has on me. No, really, I can't imagine it. I still have trouble grasping how much grace God has on me. For some reason, I feel like I've used up all of my "get out of jail free" cards and that God loves me less and less every day. Eh, what a load of --, ya know. I hate lies but more than I hate the lies, I hate how easily I believe them.
God, help me to understand Your grace.
Help me to remember that You actually like me quite a bit even when I'm stuck in limbo.

Let me know that You're near me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me.
Let that be enough.

Every morning is new and He is always good.

2010-09-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a sermon recently about how the greatest revelation that a person can have in their spiritual life is that God LOVES them. Mike Bickle talks about how it's the one foundation for every believer's life but he also goes on to say that a lot of people never actually grasp onto this truth and build their life upon it.
Side note: Getting hit by the presence of God at 24 hour fitness is a very odd experience. I tried to hide my look of pain and joy as I climbed the stairmaster. They can't hear what I'm listening to, for all they know, I'm some crazy girl smiling to herself.
I think back to my experience of this truth in my life and I realized that what Mike Bickle said is true, not just for myself, but for a lot of the people around me and people that I've interacted with in the past. Of course, we all know that God loves. Come on, as Christians we always "know" His truths and can proclaim it, spill it all over our blogs, put it in our facebook statuses, take notes during sermons, etc but the actual connection from heart to mind is difficult. Actually waking up every morning and feeling in our spirit, "God loves me" is tough. Many mornings I wake up thinking about what I need to do for the day, what's for breakfast, who I need to call, etc. Other mornings I wake up remembering my struggles and my own sin and I think, "God, do You really love me today?" I think it's easy, at least for me, to continue on with life with the knowledge of God's love, to know intellectually that He loves me, that His son died for me, and then after a period of just knowing, I start having this really crappy feeling inside me that tells me I'm missing something. It's a feeling that no sermon, no worship song, no amount of journaling and processing, can subside. It's that intimate connection from my mind to my heart and from my heart to His, that's the only thing that really brings love, peace, freedom, joy.
God's love is the foundation of our faith. His love that was so overwhelming that He would give His only son for us knowing that, as humans, we would fail, sin, turn from Him.
One of the things that Mike Bickle said that hit home again was how we try to earn God's love, through our spiritual disciplines (not that these are bad...they are very very good) or by "lowering" ourselves. We think that either a) by being super spiritually disciplined, He will see how good we are and how much we deserve His love or b) by showing Him how pitiful and lowly we are, He will see how much we need Him and then He'll love us. Then, Mike Bickle asked: Since when did God need us to motivate Him to love us?
By doing these things out of being "good" or acting like we're little lost children that need Him (which we definitely are), we think that somehow we are the ones that are motivating God to love us, as if God doesn't have enough motivation within Himself to love us. It's not like His love for us fluctuates every day with how well we're doing, how much bible we've read, how much we've prayed. It's stable, everlasting, never changing.
In those dryest of seasons, when I'm messing up left and right, when I'm not praying as much, when I'm not reading the word consistently, when I'm letting myself get overwhelmed by my circumstances and forgetting to trust Him, He loves me. In fact, He loves me as much as He does when I'm in a "great" season, when I'm praying, fasting, reading the word, worshiping, etc. There is no disconnect. There are no ifs ands or buts in His love for us. He enjoys us every day.
As these revelations hit closer to home every day, the voices that tell me to worry about the future begin to subside. The flaming arrows of the enemy that tell me that I'm alone, that I'm an irredeemable sinner, that God doesn't love me as much as He did when I first started following Him, that my worth is found in worldly things, etc, they get extinguished and leave no trace of damage.
God loves me and...Stranger, friend, family member, whoever you are, God loves you too whether you know it yet or not.

Quotes from the family

2010-09-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

While watching Twilight...
Joanne: He's so cute hah? (Robert Pattinson)
Mom: He looks like a girl. Boys who look like girls are not cute. It's kind of scary.
Joanne: People make fun of this movie a lot.
Mom: I can see why.
Joanne: :(

Me: I would totally become a vampire.
Mom: Vampires don't exist.
Me: Well if they did, I would want to become one.
Mom: You have to be selective when you pick one then. You have to make sure they're good vampires, otherwise, if they're bad, they'll...(she hisses at me and reveals her teeth) eat you up.

Maryanna reminded me that I need to make a confession for my 10 days thingamajig and she said it had to be legit....
Confession: Sometimes I'm afraid that my dad will never come to accept Christ and I think about how devastated I would be if he wasn't in Heaven with the rest of us.

2010-09-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm dancing over you
I'm singing over you, songs of deliverance
and I will set every captive free
and you will be with me
For you are mine.

I've carried the weight of all your iniquity.
I've carried the burden of all your shame.
I've called you by name, I've called you by name
and you are mine.

thanks Dad for carrying my sin. thanks for setting me free. thanks for knowing that i can be really silly sometimes and still loving me. thanks for drawing near even when i want to push You away. thanks for calling me Yours. thanks for all You've done and all that You are going to do.

Enough of putting You in a box. Let's go set some captives free.

2010-09-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

Two smileys

1. -_,- (This one would look so much better if I could just do it in person, but some of you may know this smile that I make)
Stem, I've missed our jokes (ahem ahem, you know which ones I'm talking about)
2. :D
Friends make things a lot better.

2010-09-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

3 Turn ons right? Why does that sound so sexual to me? I'm changing it. I'm breaking all the rules.
3 Likes
1. Must love God
2. Must love dogs
3. Must be able to make me laugh/laugh with me or at me...whatever you like

Lesson of the...summer: I'm a mess, but I'm His mess.

2010-09-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

What is today? 4 turn offs? I'm so bad with this thing now.
1. False humility
2. Passive aggressiveness (although...I am pretty passive aggressive)
3. Someone who doesn't acknowledge others feelings
4. Self centeredness

This one was actually kind of hard. I guess I haven't really tried pinpointing what I find to be a turn off. This isn't just a "boys" type list of course. This can be applied to both males and females.

I think I'm starting to feel the postgrad transition. As I hear about people heading off to leadership summit, or heading back to school, I feel nostalgic and wish I could go too. I want to be a kid forever! Just kidding. sort of.
I've just been spending a lot of alone time with God lately. I'm pretty sure my email inbox is backed up to the point where I need to start responding or I'm going to be defriended. Just kidding, it's not that bad, but I do feel bad about my lack of response. So, if you are reading this and there is an overdue email, I'm sorry. I'll be on it soon, I promise. :)
My mom reminded me that we've been back from Taiwan for about 10 days now. I did not realize that it was a little over a week ago that I was still in Taiwan and about 2 1/2 weeks ago that I was still in E-camp with all the wonderful people I met at NTHU. Time flies by so quickly but God is so faithful, everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. I must say that I've been missing Taiwan and the people, the memories, the food, the sights, but that's okay, I know it's not the end of everything.
Nothing hugely profound has been happening, no major future plans have been set, but just the thought of Him makes me feel happy and at peace. I kept asking for stillness, and to be in a place where even though things around me have been moving at quite a quick pace, my heart and soul are wholly surrendered and at rest with Him and that's all I wanted.
It's nice to just talk to Him and to hang out with Him. Something I noticed while at NTHU was how easily Christianese had become so apparent in my prayer life and how all the pretty words or "spiritual" and "holy" words could not connect me to Him as well as me just coming before Him and saying "Dad, I need You." Something that I want as I continue this phase of figuring out my future is that I would just be in step with Him every step of the way. I don't want there to be one second where I feel like I'm deciding things on my own. I don't want there to be one second where I think that I'm even capable of surviving on my own. I want Him to be there with me, in my every move, in my every decision, in everything I do.
It's nice to remember that He's for me and not against me and that even though I don't understand everything going on, that His plans are so much greater than my own.
Jeremiah 29:11
A verse that I've heard time and time again but one that has been hitting home lately. Plans to prosper me, not to harm me. I don't think about that in the sense of blessings upon blessings (although He does bless me...a lot) but just the thought of having Him be in control makes me feel safe and it comforts my mind (which is nice, since my mind literally never stops running). If He's writing my story, and going before me, then I am joyful because His story is better than anything that I might have conjured up out of my own mind. I like being His daughter, the little girl He needs to take care of, because even though the world tells me I need to start growing up and figuring things out, there will always be a place where I can just be with my Dad, where I still have the freedom to laugh and cry as I please, where I can just sit at His feet and talk to Him. He knows that if He were to leave me on my own, I would ~~probably~~ make a big mess of things. God is good all the time.

Side note: Although I am no fan of gambling and "sin city," I must say that Vegas still has some really beautiful architecture that I never get tired of staring at. :) One day, I will see the real Venice...

5

2010-08-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have been at Vegas for the past few days and have not been able to complete this blog mission. On the drive back though, I remembered that this next post should list the 5 people that are most important to me? Something like that...and I decided that I didn't like it and will now break the rules and create my own 5th day.

5 songs that have been important to this past season

1. Transatlanticism- Death Cab For Cutie

2. Awaken Love- Matt Gilman

3. Waiting for the Rain- Misty Edwards

4. Dream- Priscilla Ahn

5. The Chain- Ingrid Michaelson

And just for kicks...Songs that are not played in Emo City

1. Teenage Dream- Katy Perry

2. Inside of You- The Maine

3. Baby- Justin Bieber (Sorry, this is for E-camp)

4. Find Your Love- Drake (or his whole album for that matter =X)

5. The Only Exception- Paramore

Six.

2010-08-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

Six things I wish I had never done.
1. I wish I hadn't been such a little brat when I was in middle school.
2. There are some things I've said that I wish I could take back.
3. Tried singing "My Heart Will Go On" in front of my 4th grade class.
4. Let my heart get too far ahead of my mind.
5. Made that really shady SN years ago...(don't ask cause I won't tell)
6. I'm sure there are some outfits I wore back in the day....that I wish I had never worn...

Meh! No regrets right?

7

2010-08-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

7 things that cross my mind a lot

1. Where is God leading my life from here on out?

This one pretty much crosses my mind every other 5 minutes but God has been giving me peace to keep trusting and to take my time. I'm afraid to disappoint Him but I know that's an irrational fear because He's walking beside me. I just want to honor Him and glorify Him while I'm here on this earth.

2. E-camp.

This one crosses my mind a lot because it was so recent and I'm still processing everything that happened. God is so good and so faithful (as He always is). I miss my students a lot and I also miss all the wonderful teammates I had.

3. I hope things won't change.

I know this one is impossible since things always change but I think this one applies to friendships more than anything else. I really do hope that some of my friendships, while they will grow and transform over the years, will be able to remain solid and stable in my life. There are people that I can't picture not having in my life and now that I'm out of college and away from a lot of them, I know I have to make every effort to keep things strong and good because they're worth it.

4. Family

I'm around them 24/7 now and so I see the ups and downs of every relationship in my family. I think about how far we've come and how God has blessed us, but I also think about how much further our journey is as a family in terms of healing and reconciliation. I know that we'll never be a "perfect family" since that doesn't exist, but we'll be made whole in Him.

5. What song will fit my mood right now?

I know that's really random but music crosses my mind a lot. Random songs will pop up in my head throughout the day, some tagged with movie scenes they were played with. Sometimes, I just feel a tugging in my heart to hear a song that will strike the spot in my heart that is longing to hear it. It's the most frustrating thing when I know there's a song but I can't pinpoint it.

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. It makes me want to watch 500 Days of Summer.

6. My friends in San Diego.

7. I wonder if there are any new movie trailers to watch.

Sorry, I love movies. I can't help it. My parents used to ride me every day for how much TV I watched and how I would watch the same things multiple times. A good movie trailer is so exciting to me, especially one with good music or one that leaves me wanting more. Wow, I'm such a music/film geek. :(

Obviously, these aren't the only things that cross my mind. haha, at least I hope not. I mostly think about God a lot and I constantly wonder what He's thinking or feeling. Otherwise, I think about the past or current events and some of my 7 revolve around that. It's not in an obsessive way, I just like to reflect a lot and process. I'm an extreme internal processor which means a lot of what goes on in my head or heart never actually manifests itself verbally.

Today, I'm thinking that God is my shepherd and that it's going to be a good day even though there is much to do and much to sort through.

Eight

2010-08-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

Eight ways to win my heart

1. Even though I may not like it at the moment, challenge me to be an even greater lover of God, to be a better person, to go beyond my boundaries, to be the me that God intended. Your love for Him will cause me to love Him more.

2. Care about all of the people around you with a genuine heart.

3. See the light at the tunnel or put a positive spin on things when I can't.

4. Make me laugh. a lot.

5. Share similar music/movie tastes or at least be able to put up with some of my...poorer choices

6. Be willing to decode the cryptic ways that I speak sometimes.

7. Look out for me, even when we're in a big group

8. Witty banter.

Nine

2010-08-25T09:48:00.000-07:00

Nine things about myself

1. I'm the youngest 21 year old you will ever meet. I'm such a kid at heart. My bedroom looks like a 10-12 year old lives there. My choice in television, probably 13-15 year old choices. Therefore, balancing out all of those ages together, I should be about...17-18.

2. It doesn't matter how much hurt I see, how much evil there is, there is a part of me that will always believe in the goodness of mankind.

3. I really hope to write a novel one day, or a screenplay.

4. My favorite food...is cheese. I could seriously eat cheese all day. I know that sounds gross but I can't help it. I don't really know why either since both my parents dislike the taste and smell.

5. The reason for my sarcasm/ extremely dry humor is my older brother. He trained me from a young age to understand that not everything he said, was literally what he meant and so I picked up that type of humor over the years.

6. I once had someone ask me if there was anyone that annoyed me, or anyone that bothered me, etc...The answer is no. I don't think there was one person in college that I did not like or find intolerable. There's goodness and beauty found in all of God's creation, the flaws and boo boos...meh, no one is perfect.

7. I currently have 7 stuffed animals on my bed with me, along with two pillows, a blanket, and a towel. My mom constantly asks me how I manage to find space on my bed to sleep.

8. I want to do something in my life that will help show people that there is hope and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I have to do something that shows that God's existence and His love cannot be denied.

9. One of my favorite pass times is listening to music and lying on my bedroom floor. I daydream and think. a lot.

Day One

2010-08-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs
Day Eight: Three turn ons
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now
Day Ten: One confession

I don't know why I find this so intriguing, maybe cause I've been reading others and I think it's pretty interesting. (Stem, Jessica, Mary, Patty...I've been reading! :)) Anyhow, here goes nothing.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
1. I miss coming to see you at work, and eating your mom's packed lunches and buying ice cream at Vons but I'm glad that work is no longer where it used to be. :)
2. Lets get together and cry and laugh and pray and sing and say awkward things together right now.
3. You're my best friend but we haven't seen each other in a really long time. I really miss you.
4. I wish you could see just how much you need Him right now.
5. I've been praying for you for almost all of my life. I'm still waiting for you to know Him.
6. I'm sorry.
7. You cross my mind quite a bit.
8. Bbyg. ILYF. WIIFC. IMY. A. YAOOMBF. (can you figure that one out? haha)
9. I hope that we will always be friends, no matter what happens, or where life takes us.
10. Even though we like to joke around and be mean to one another, you are such a good friend and brother.

10 Things

2010-08-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

10 things that I want to do now that I am back from Taiwan

1. See close friends and talk until daylight

2. Learn to play the harmonica (random, I know)

3. Write a novel/write a song

4. Watch movies that were released while I was gone (Scott Pilgrim, Charlie St. Cloud)

5. Listen to music and daydream all day. (probably not the healthiest thing to do right now)

6. Eat non-chinese food! :)

7. Travel! (I guess that's more long term)

8. Go to the beach/Go stargazing

9. Figure out what to do next/Find a job? (Not really what I want to do..more like have to do)

10. Sleep.

2010-08-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

A lot can change in a month. In fact, a lot can change in 2 weeks, a week, a day...It has been quite an interesting month to say the least and I'm still wrestling to understand everything that happened, didn't happen, wish would've happened, wish didn't happen...but I'm still unsure, about a lot of things. I think God and I have a pretty funny relationship and so He chooses to answer prayers or He chooses to give me a good nudge when I'm not paying attention in very creative ways. It has taken me a trip to Taiwan, 2 weeks on missions, and sleep depriving thoughts to land me back to the fact that I am empty, that I am nothing without Him, that I am weak and broken in so many ways and that without His grace, I have no idea where I would be right now.
I leave Taiwan tomorrow and I must say that in the back of my mind, I wish I could stay longer...for the fun, but maybe more for the fact that I'm afraid of going back and facing a lot of things that have been far away. My friend and I joked about living together in Taiwan and being neighbors and having a wondrous life...but obviously, we all have a reality to face. I'm afraid to say goodbye to people, afraid to let go of the memories , afraid that when I go back, Taiwan and E-camp will seem like a distant dream. I hate that feeling. I wish I could relive memories over and over again. I wish that things always felt as tangible and as real as when you first experienced them.
Humm...Don't know how I feel quite yet but I know God is good.
So I say, goodnight Taiwan, until we meet again.

2010-07-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a fairly interesting week full of its usual ups and downs. Ups usually consisting of finding an ounce of peace in the chaos. Downs consisting of all my doubts, fears, and now my slightly feverish body. It has felt like a battle zone this week, with me trying to draw up every sword I have to fight off whatever has been flinging unrelenting darts at me from every angle.
With Him, I feel empowered and strengthened and I zip past one dart only to find myself facing another. All of this happening about a week before I leave for missions...Coincidence? Probably not but I'll admit my current weakness. I am tired and a little weary.
At least I've managed to regain my ability to just cry and be vulnerable. Praise God. My dry tear ducts were getting a little too barren for me and my heart was growing at an exceptionally fast pace, not from love, but from all the emotion I've been holding in.
Today, I was told to just sit and listen, to stop asking questions, to stop presenting requests, but to just be and I realized my own inability to just be quiet and to just dwell. I realized when I'm tired or weary, I present my worries and anxieties and requests like a Christmas list only to find that when I'm done, I have had absolutely no feeling of a deep encounter of His love. It becomes robotic and emotionless as I try to grasp onto any ounce of intimacy when it's actually overflowing into my hands only to have me throw it away for other things. I always wonder why there's this need to strive and struggle, when everything is given so freely. Will it always be like this? Does our flesh always control us?
We receive blessing and before long we want more.
We receive a revelation of His love, and after a while it's not enough to keep us "fueled." Oh how weak my flesh can be, to think that His love is something that runs dry and requires refilling, to think that He's holding out on me or refusing to give me His love...The reality is, I still need to learn how to be a greater lover of truth.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
I'm weak. So unbelievably weak. Every day, I realize my own darkness and I ask that the layers of superficiality be removed, the layers of pride and self righteousness be gone, the masks and facades be ripped from my being, as I stand before Him as me, naked and vulnerable and weak.
So boast I shall, I will scream it, if only to get closer to Him, to understand His heart, to know His emotions, to be with my Beloved.

Song of Solomon 7:10 I belong to my lover and His desire is for me.

I need you so much closer.

2010-07-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

I can't stop listening to this song lately. It was on repeat my whole trip back from SD. Its probably going to be on repeat for the next couple of weeks.
Maybe it's because this song reminds me of who I am or who I was...
This type of deep longing and yearning, is it real?
Today I looked at my parents and realized that I owe them a lot...not that I have to pay them back or give them anything in return for their love and care...but I want them to have such a good life. I want to see a day when they can settle down and not have to worry about my brother and I. I want to see a day when my mom isn't frantically cleaning the house or worrying about every little misplacement because it helps to ease her other worries. I want to see a day when my dad is sitting in the backyard enjoying nature and beauty, rather than turning over in his head how to best help out me and my brother.
I realize the worries just pile on harder and harder each day as new trials come and I just keep dreaming in my head what life would be like if the worries just didn't exist anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it's our failure as their children that causes so much anxiety and crap. My parents don't deserve it, don't deserve the stress, don't deserve to have to exert themselves completely...and sometimes I just feel like, maybe it's me that doesn't deserve their love.
God blessed me with my parents...but honestly, sometimes I just want to tell Him that I don't deserve them, don't deserve the things He has given me, which is probably true...but there's no return policy on blessings.
The longing and desire does exist...It exists in my pursuit of dreams. My dream to one day buy my parents a really nice house that they can enjoy and relax in. My dream to one day be someone that can love and sacrifice just like they do, just like God does. My dream to one day experience love with someone that cannot be broken or shaken by this world, a love that is protected by truth, love that can last a lifetime.
And so, as I listen to this song and my heart moves with every beat, every word, every melody, every emotion, I press on for Him.
I know one day, my dreams will come true. But until then...

Happy am I to live a hungry life...Blessed am I to thirst.

2010-07-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

My dad came into my room this morning to let me know that everyone is going to be out of the house for basically the whole day today. Fun! Sort of.
As I lay there in my groggy sleep, he made his way out of the room and then back in and he patted me on the head and said "It's a new day right?"
Oh how I needed to hear those words and how I needed to be reminded of God's new mercies for me every morning. Funny that this reminder comes from my dad who is not a believer yet, but something in my stirring heart says to keep hoping.
God has a very creative way of trying to get my attention. I think He acknowledges that I respond to Him in a very unique way so as I've been praying to Him to restore a sense of vulnerability and for Him to touch my heart and not just my mind, He has slowly been reeling me back in ways that are unique to my heart.
I can feel the glaciers around my heart start to melt as I begin to encounter Him again...as I am touched by the warmth of His heart and His love. It's not the best feeling in the world at this point. I think sometimes it's just easier to live with a heart that is not easily broken or hurt, one that remains strong even in the toughest times, one that allows me to not have to really feel anything...but He knows that's not me. He knows that's not what I want. So as I open myself up again and let Him come in and do His work, there's a mixture of fear and of joy....but I know that ultimately the surrendering of my cold heart will release me to feel greater love, greater joy, greater freedom...Him.

I want to be romanced by the king of ages

I don't want to sing of a passion I've never known

I want to get lost in the beauty of Jesus

Dance through the night, around Your throne.

I'm hearing a new song.

2010-06-30T12:58:00.000-07:00

This song makes my heart ache in a very bittersweet way. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and all I did was dream about my future and all of the cool things I would do as adult Joanne. Little did I know that adult Joanne now longs to be little Joanne again and that dreams don't always play out the way they did so perfectly in your head.

I used to wrestle a lot with the idea of reality vs. dreams. If dreams are the desires of my heart then they could come true right? Because God is perfectly capable of making it all happen. Or am I supposed to learn that some dreams really are just silly and impossible and that I must learn to live with my reality.

My current reality is that I need to decide to either chase the dream, or I need to decide to bury it and move onto my reality hoping that I will find the same beauty in my reality as I did in my dreamland.

I've been afraid to talk about the future lately or to even think of it and maybe I've just been trying to convince myself that I should just "live in the moment" for the sake of not having to feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

I really miss the moments where I was so certain about everything. There was this strong confidence, faith, and trust in God and His ability to lead me to where I was meant to be. What was it that kept me so confident before? I wish I could remember.

The idea of serving God and loving His people used to make me so excited and happy...It still does...I just wish I knew how it was all going to play out and I wish the fear of feeling like I didn't do enough, or that I'm not going to change anything would just go away.

Bah. This stuff is no fun.

But some mornings, I still wake up believing I can fly from the highest tree.

Girl Meets World

2010-06-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

As I observe the people around me, I realize more and more what I leave behind when I leave SD on Friday morning. Laughs. Tears. Heart to hearts. Friends. Family. I used to dream about what it would be like when I was "grown up" and when I could finally enter into the "real world" and now I'm suddenly afraid and wanting to stay back and cherish the memories a little more. Memories. I wish I could relive some of them, fully remember some of them, treasure and love them. It's so hard to let go of seasons. It's so hard to say goodbye.

Mr. Feeny says to "do good."
And that's exactly what I'm doing to do.

2010-06-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

I see the faces as goodbyes are said. The looks are filled with mixed emotions. Love. Hope. Fear. Sadness. It's as if every single possible feeling is circulating in the room and as if everyone has words up to their throats that they want to say...that they can't say.

There is a familiar feeling in my heart and in my stomach, one that I have not felt for a long time. It's a feeling that has been pushed down, destroyed, crushed, broken by past skeletons and now, it chooses to resurface itself. I've learned to not be vulnerable, to never really show emotion unless it's called for, to hide my sadness and my fear, to let my heart empathize and sympathize but never to the point where it might break.

It's a familiar feeling that used to find itself all over my sleeve, one that everyone knew and saw when they looked at me or heard me speak. It expressed itself in multiple manners. Sometimes it manifested in strong and unrelenting pursuit of Him, sometimes it came out when the music I listened to triggered something beautiful in my mind and heart, sometimes it came out during movies when the main character would either lose or gain their one true heart's desire, sometimes it came out in art, song, or even in simple acts that were not for my own gain but for the happiness of others. It mostly manifested itself in my desire to see someone else smile, for them to experience sheer joy knowing that someone understood them or knew them enough.

I used to play in a game where the consequences didn't really matter, as long as I was following my heart. I now sit on the bench, fiddling my fingers, wondering which next move would be "best." What does "best" mean anyway, unless it encompasses the satisfaction of knowing that your heart was your compass? The dissatisfaction rises and my heart contends for my mind. Remember when you used to be moved by all things silly, cheesy, and sappy? Remember when you would cry every week because your heart loved and moved so constantly? That wasn't you being emotional, or silly, or being too much of a feeler. That was you, me, at the core.

It's like a movie scene when you say goodbye to someone or something. You want to hold on tightly, but you know that the hold you have is brief. You watch it leave, and it disappears into the distance as either you or the other moves further away. That feeling arises again. Wave, wave. Please, don't go. Secretly in your heart, you wish for its return, safely within your reach.

I hold her hand and I don't quite know what to say. Maybe it's best to just be silent at this point. Anything I say could cause a sudden combustion of tears and pent up emotion. I know the look. The look of watching something you.... leave your side, uncertain if it will ever find its way back and if it does, will things be different? Will it have changed? Oh no, I remember that feeling. The feeling of..... something so much, the feeling of longing and pining, the feeling that can cause utter and complete recklessness. It peers itself from under my sleeve, tapping as if to ask if it can come out and return to its rightful place. There's the look, even with the strongest front put up, with the best composure, I can see it. Crack. What is this feeling. Crunch. Alert! Alert! you're letting yourself go. Bam. There it is, the feeling I have not experienced in so long. Part of me remembers why I tried to stuff it away, while all of me remembers why it was so much a part of who I was, who I am. I want to tell her that it will be okay, and that it will return one day, but even I'm not sure.
I'm tired of people telling me it's not real. I'm tired of people saying that it doesn't exist and that I must learn to live without it. It may not play out exactly as it does in worldly standards, but I can see it and feel it even in a look. I can replay moments in my head where it dwelled, where it made itself known and the people around me didn't notice it because cynicism, fear, and uncertainty had crept in long ago. We try to rationalize and overthink everything because we want to know it all, to have the answers, to never have to trust or take risks because we think that if we misstep one way, then our lives and our hearts are shot to hell, that once something is broken it is irredeemable and forever tarnished. Really? Is that what we function under? Is that what He has been teaching us through His words and His actions?
No.
How is He supposed to talk to me when I'm not myself? How could I even begin to hear Him when my heart has been functioning in a completely different environment? I feel it again, He knows that I've come to a realization that He has been trying to press into and remind me of.

Thanks for reminding me. It's me, Joanne. Let's talk now.

All my hope's in You.

2010-06-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

Just You and me.
That's all I really need. All I really want.
To feel Your gentle whisper upon my heart.
Beloved. You are my Beloved. I am Yours.
My focus is on You. My gaze is fixed on You and You alone.
The world around me fades away and it's just You and me again.
No voices.
No distractions.
No troubles.
I love You. More than anything. More than myself. More than my family. More than friends. More than my own dreams and desires. You can have it all, I just want all of You.
Complete surrender.
I'm at Your feet.
Remind me what it means to be hungry and passionate.
Remind me what it means to be unrelenting and stubborn for more of You.
I open up again. I pour out my heart.

2010-05-31T02:00:00.000-07:00

My mind has been a jumble of thoughts lately...and by jumble I mean, trainwreck meets airplane crash meets natural disaster meets the apocalypse.

I miss talking to Him a lot and spending time in the secret place and it's my fault for not pressing in and being persistent. It's time to reconnect and find the place where I belong, the only place where I know peace, freedom, joy and love.

Distractions are no fun. Unnecessary thoughts are no fun. Overthinking is no fun. I'm so tired.

I'm waiting for You. and only You.
I forget how easily my heart can waver. bah.

Change

2010-05-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

It's funny how so many things can change in the time span of a couple of weeks, days, hours, minutes. This quarter has felt like chaos and I'm not even taking classes anymore.

Every time I begin to plant my feet somewhere, I am immediately swept away by the next wave of change. There is a restlessness in me that I can't shake and I feel myself crying out for peace, for stillness. Friends have been trying to reassure me and tell me the truths that He longs for me to hear, but I haven't been able to let things sink in completely. All I can hear are the other voices, my own voice. The voices that tell me that I haven't been a good enough friend this quarter, that I'm not meeting every person's needs and every person's expectations, that I'm not meeting up to my own expectations of myself, that I'm backtracking and failing over and over again, that my words and my actions are empty and loveless, that I'm a fake and a hypocrite.

Every time I close my eyes, He draws me into the throne room and I'm right there with Him and yet, I find myself trying to resist the glory of who He is, afraid that He's too good, that He will see my darkness and my imperfection and realize that I really am unworthy and unlovable.

Lies. I hate them. I hate how transparent I am and how easily the enemy can pinpoint the places to hit that will hurt me the most. My friendships. My love. My identity in Him that He has been trying to solidify and heal for so long.

I just want to hear one voice. Him. A gentle whisper. A touch. All I need is Him.

I know who He made me to be. I'm not going to let anyone or anything take that from me.

Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin

Create in me O God

and renew a steadfast spirit within me

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

2010-05-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

“It is confidence in love. When we are confident in love here is what is happening. We are not preoccupied with trying to get God to like us. We are not negotiating in all of the subtle ways to get God to like me. When I am confident in love I know I am genuine and I know I am enjoyed even when I am struggling.

With that preoccupation out of the way then you can gaze on the beauty realm. But to say the words while you are constantly negotiating in your heart and constantly short circuited, “You are probably mad at me again, God. I am so ugly. I am so broken. I am just a fake, hypocrite, rebellious and proud.” You can not enter the realm of wonder with all of that static electricity going on in your being all of the time.” -Mike Bickle

Hmm

2010-05-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

Basketball is the talk of the night

2010-05-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

Watching basketball with my family is always quite the festive occasion for quotable conversations...

Eating dinner and talking about my parents and their way of cheering for every other team than the Lakers
Jimmy: Mom, I don't understand...You've never even lived in San Antonio, why would they be your favorite team? Dad, you've never lived in Detroit, you've never even been there.
Mom: It's somewhere...lower..south than Dallas.

Nash has been physically injured when playing with Spurs
Mom: Oh, he has been injured on the nose and the eye...someone should hit him in the mouth.
Me: What the?!
Mom: What? That's the next thing right?
Jimmy: Mom, I thought you liked Nash.
Mom: I do like him.
Jimmy: Well, then I never want to be your enemy.

Brother's dreams of becoming an NBA star are being passed to his offspring.
Jimmy: I'm going to train my son from a young age. I may not be able to be in the NBA but he will!
He sneezes.
Jimmy: See dad, look at these crappy allergy genes you passed onto me! Why didn't you pass on the good genes? Why didn't you pass on some Kobe genes?
Dad: If I had passed on Kobe genes, you would be black.

Mom (whining): So sad. They're losing.
Jimmy: Mom, they're down by 2.

I would wait for You forever.

2010-05-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

To You my God I lift up my soul
To You alone I cry out
All my hope's in You, God
All my trust is in You
I open up my heart again
and lift up my soul again
For You are the glory and the lifter of my head
Into Your hands I commit my spirit

I will be ashamed if You don't come through
I'll look like a fool if You don't come through
That's how much I'm depending on You my Lord- Laura Hackett

Psalm 31:24

Learning complete dependence and surrender.

2010-05-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

Jojo, Do not stressed out and worry your future, at the present time I want you only be fell free and happy. Cause after your 16 education years you've earned it yourself. Think about this Now you have no longer racing/chasing the time for your school exam or following the school schedule to do what you HAVE to do. Now You should put that all away and enjoy your freedom before your next racing/chasing coming. I'll suggest you to have a big sweet dream for what you want to do, dream as big as you want...:)
NO one really knows what will happen next but we all know we shall walk step by step to follow what god wants as to do. Like you said "God will plan it for you".
- Mom
Minus the broken english, I really needed to read this. I feel like I've still been in this racing/chasing mentality even though I've been called to rest and wait. Racing/chasing to be a good friend, to make sure all of my friendships are solid when I leave so I have more hope for a community after college, racing/chasing to see what God will do with certain things in the next month and a half and as I'm running after these things, the faster things start to slip from my hands.
Sigh, I'm trying really hard right now. I don't know what else I can do or say. I don't know how else to please everyone, to make sure I'm meeting every need.
Am I allowed to want what I want sometimes, or to think about myself every once in a while?
God, You are still good and unchanging. I'm just tired today.
Still learning how to love selflessly, with no need for anything in return.

2010-04-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

Everyday is new.
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I took a long nap and all of the previous things I had been dealing with come creeping up again. It feels like it's one continuous and very long day and I get lost in all that "stuff."
But a lot of the times when I wake up in the morning, He tells me that it's a new day and that He has new mercies for me. I wake up feeling His smile imprinted on my heart and His love written all over me.
He likes that I can laugh at the days to come.

To my beloved friends who are having tough times:
Today is a new day. He made it just for you. He watched you wake up this morning and He thought about you and all of the good things He has for you. He gently breathes His love and joy over you every morning and He is warming up your heart again. Don't give up, don't give in. He smiles and continues to dream for you even when you are feeling weary and broken. He imprints His names for you on your heart and He brushes away old identities that are lies. Son. Daughter. Precious. Beloved. Handsome. Beautiful. Talented. Gifted. Seen. Loveable. Everything.
Wait. Just wait. For there is a day where you will be able to smile and feel true and genuine joy. There is a day where the enemy's lies and taunting will no longer be able to penetrate the strong and pure heart that He made you with. There is a day where you will know that everything that has happened, has happened for a purpose, to make you into the person God intended you to be. His mercy is upon you every morning. Don't be afraid to let Him in. He is gentle. He knows the state of your heart, the state of your mind, your soul. He knows. He has never left. He has never for one second left your side. He has never for one second stopped loving you. It doesn't matter how broken you are, how much you've sinned, how much you try to brush Him off, how you've tried to keep Him out, how many times you've cursed His name. His love for you is endless.

I believe it for you guys.

Conversations with extended family

2010-04-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

For you my beloved cousin.

P.S. This is not a diary! This is a blog!

theleftsh0e (4:19:36 PM): You've got one of the best personalities i know!

ForeverinChrist9 (4:19:42 PM): thanks blaur

ForeverinChrist9 (4:19:44 PM): you're my cousin

ForeverinChrist9 (4:19:45 PM): u have to say that

ForeverinChrist9 (4:19:46 PM): hahaha

theleftsh0e (4:19:51 PM): no i don't

ForeverinChrist9 (4:19:53 PM): just like my mom has to tell me im the prettiest girl

ForeverinChrist9 (4:19:54 PM): hahahaha

theleftsh0e (4:19:54 PM): I could say you're a complete whore

ForeverinChrist9 (4:20:00 PM): HAHAHHHAHA

2010-04-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

Sigh, I am no John Mayer fan....but his music is the only music that has been fitting my mood lately.

This song. so good.

2010-04-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

One day soon we will round a bend in the road and our dreams will come true. We really will live happily ever after. The long years in exile will be swept away in the joyful tears of our arrival home. Every day when we rise, we can tell ourselves, My journey today will bring me closer to home; it may be just around the bend. All we long for we have shall have; all we long to be, we will be. All that has hurt us so deeply-the dragons and nits, the Arrows and our false lovers, and Satan himself--they will all be swept away.
And then real life begins.
- The Sacred Romance

You can have it all. I'm Yours forever.

ROBIN HOOD ROBIN HOOD!!!

2010-04-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

I saw this as I was at the gym...and decided that I'm beyond excited to see this. Firstly because Gladiator was one of my favorite movies for the longest time and secondly, I love Robin Hood. :) Waaah..Excitement brewing!

Empty.

2010-04-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

I am undone.
The control that I long to have, to grasp onto, is slowly slipping from my hands as I give it up to Him. It's a scary place to be when I feel like absolutely nothing is in my control anymore, like my hands are completely open, like my heart and soul are completely exposed.
It has been this underlying process that I didn't notice until yesterday. He has slowly been stripping me of my layers, of my walls, of the barriers I put up. A softening and healing of a hard and fearful heart.
It's so easy to forget that He sees me. Every single second of every single day, He is watching me, He is listening, He is delighted.
I went to the cliffs twice yesterday. The second time took an old and dear roommate dragging me from my bed to get up and stop wallowing in lies. I sat there watching the sunset, still feeling the fear that has been bothering me a lot lately. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of giving up my heart to the wrong things, to the wrong people. I'm afraid of jumping into the unknown and feeling like no one is going to be there to catch me. I'm afraid that my heart is getting tossed around and that it is being overworked and overused and that I'm just being a really sucky owner.
"Your heart is with Me."
A whisper of hope and reassurance gently spoken. My heart is with Him. When I told Him that this life was no longer mine, that nothing was mine anymore, He didn't take it as an empty promise or joke. He literally took it all, including my heart. I've been sitting with the assumption that I'm still hanging onto my heart and that it's my decision to give it to whatever or whoever I want, but it's not with me anymore. It's not in my clumsy, impulsive, shaky, weak, careless hands. It's in His.
My hands are empty now. I've got nothing left to be in control of. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. I'm completely running on His promise that He has been frantically writing my story since before I was born and that He has great things in store. He has great things for the people around me that I've been desperately praying for. He has a purpose and a plan and perfect timing. His perfect love drives out fear.
Enough. Enough. Enough of being so forgetful. Enough of doubting. Enough of giving in. Enough of giving up. Enough of self condemnation. Enough of lies. Enough of attacks. Enough of overthinking. Enough of me. More of You.

So this is what it feels like. This is what it feels like when the only One who knows what He's doing has taken over and promises to take care of it all. This is what it feels like to be romanced and lead.
God, do You know the way You move me?

Is it okay God? Is it okay to want what I want right now? Is it safe this time?
Your call. It's Your call.

For him.

2010-04-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

To my love,
I'm in love with you. Do I really move you the way you move me? If I could be completely honest, your love for me scares me at times. It's not because I don't want it. It's not because I don't want you. It's because I still think so much of who I am is unworthy of your love. You see the ways that I mess up over and over again, the ways that I turn to other lovers, the ways that I misuse and abuse you and yet you stand by me, take my hand, and say that you love me, just as I am. There are still times where I think this is too good to be true, that it can't be possible that love like this exists, that one day I may just turn and you won't be there anymore and I will be left alone again. This is my biggest fear of all but I know it's not true. You will never leave me. That's how strong and steadfast you are, how faithful, how perfect and wonderful you are. I think about you all the time. I think about how much I love you and how much more I want to know you. Inside and out, from deep to deep. Your thoughts are important to me, I promise. Your feelings are important to me.
I'm so sorry for the ways I've left you in the past, for the ways that I've manipulated this relationship for my own benefit, for the pride, for the selfishness, for the abandonment. I've been running, trying to convince you that you should just give up on me and let me go. I thought that I was pushing you away for your own good. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, much better fish than me. I'm just a guppy. There is no one else for me though. You are the one I want for the rest of my life. There is no one better than you. There is no one that will know me better than you do. There is no one that moves me more than you do. It's weird isn't it? I've turned away so many times and yet my weak and silly heart comes running back to you and you don't even flinch or hesitate to pull me back in again. There is no one that I want to love more than you. I have everything here with me right now, my heart, my soul, my mind, all of it. Take it. It's yours forever. It's yours if you'll have me and if you won't have me.
I want to go on long walks with you and talk to you for hours on end. I want to spend all of my time with you. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I love you. Can I just be honest with you? I'm going to mess up a lot. I'm going to make some wrong decisions along the way. My heart won't always be whole while we're together. My affection and attention might be weak or fleeting. I wish I could be like you. I wish my love was stronger. I wish my heart was stronger than this. But I promise I will try my best. I promise I'm dedicated to giving all of myself to you.
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I don't need anything else from you, no gifts, no words, I could just love you like this forever. When I'm with you, I feel free, I feel love, I feel whole. I cannot offer much in return but all of me...It's yours forever. I promise to hold your hand and walk with you in every season of life that we go through. I promise to keep my gaze fixed on you because you're beautiful and because just being with you brings me so much joy. I won't give up on this. I won't let go of this. I will spend the rest of my life pursuing after you. I will spend my life attempting to show you even a speck of the love that you've shown me. There's no going back for me. Let's survive this together. We've already been through so much together. Ups and downs. Moments of silence and distance. But you've always been here with me. You have become such a part of me that you exist in my heart even when I can't see you or feel you. You have reached the deepest part of my soul. You are with me forever. Thank you for loving me. You are permanent.
Our love makes me feel like a little kid again. It makes me feel like anything that we go through can be overcome. It makes me feel like all things are possible and that there are no boundaries. I can do anything when I'm with you. I can be myself completely. That's so hard to find but I've found it in you. I've found it all in you.
I love you. I love you so much. I love you. I will love you for the rest of my life and after that. I will love you for eternity. I am captivated by you. You are my greatest and most precious delight. I love you. I love you. I love you.
With all of me, J.

2010-04-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

Please do not take me on another journey of relearning the same thing.
I cannot handle it.
You know best, so I will listen and follow.
I don't want to try and take control anymore. I don't want to listen to myself and my own silly thoughts. You can take it all.
I give it all up for You and for Your ways.
So, please, please don't take me down the same path again.

2010-04-17T01:35:00.000-07:00

In need of Glider's Port nights with good friends.
Long walks.
Good conversation.
Random/secret sitting places for good conversation.

Fear and overthinking, go away. you two are bugging me immensely.

Fill me up.

2010-04-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

I'm so forgetful

But You always remind me

You're the only one who brings me peace

I come to tell You I love You

to tell You I need You

to tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms

to tell You I'm sorry for running in circles

For placing my focus on the ways, not on Your face

You're the only one who brings me peace.

Proverbs 4:23

God, please remind me that my love is worthy.

2010-04-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

One way ticket to the Lion's den

Gotta go through the fire so I can come out again

Fight for my faith and live what I believe

Stand on my feet and sing, Oh I will sing

Jesus, You've called me friend

Jesus, You've made me what I am

Today I made a list of things that I want. A Christmas list, except to God in the spring and not Santa in the winter (Thank you for the idea Julie).

I sat at the cliffs and just listened and waited for my heart and for Him to tell me what it is that I want. I got the cliffs all to myself today for a good 30 minutes. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow my hair in all directions. Lately, I've just been overwhelmed again and again by how close He is and how present He is in every moment of my life. Even in my sleep, He has been making Himself known.

I realized that I'm tired of feeling like I'm running in circles or feeling like so much of my life is just on repeat. I realize that I'm so forgetful of the really good things He gives me and shows me. There are times when I look back on old journal entries and think "humm..how about that..I'm still struggling with the same thing still" and yet He extends His grace to me time and time again and says it's okay that I'm silly and forgetful.

I've been waiting for a new season for a long time. I've been scared to say that I'm in a new season for fear that I'm actually not. There have been times where I felt like it was a new season, but it would get trumped by another moment that felt even newer, but as I sat out there today, I finally let my heart and my mind acknowledge that this really is the new season, that it has begun, that God has new and good things for me, that I don't need to be afraid, that I don't need to keep running circles.

Honestly, I couldn't think of too many things that I really wanted. Some of them were serious, some of them were practical, some of them were big, some small, but it was just fun to sit with God and make my requests known (even though He probably knew them all along and just wanted me to say it).

Heh. I guess we'll see what happens with all of these wishes.

Sigh, I just really want to know Him. I want to let Him know that I don't love Him because He gives me good things or He blesses me and showers me with grace and mercy, but because I just love Him. His heart. His thoughts. His emotions. His ways. Everything.

I don't want to be selfish in my relationship with God. I want to be selfless even if I am dealing with the most powerful One.

It's crazy. He never wants anything from us. He just wants...us.

He is everywhere

2010-04-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

Such an interesting concept. God is everywhere, not just when we pray or when we cry out for Him to come, or when we welcome Him during worship, He is so present that He is already there. Lately, I've just been having conversations with Him. There are times in the past where I've just sat there crying out and praying hard only to feel like I was speaking to the air and that nothing was getting anywhere. However, I've picked up the attitude that when I'm praying, when I'm crying out to Him, when I'm speaking, when I'm thinking, when I'm sleeping, He is already listening. Sometimes He chooses to answer and sometimes He's just there to listen to me talk. A friendship, a relationship. The other person can just respond and dialogue with you, or they can just sit and listen and ponder right? I have all access to Him at all times and I find myself just talking to Him wherever I'm at. Sometimes I'm watching TV and I suddenly feel the urge to speak to Him about something and right then and there, He is listening...Otherwise, He's just watching me watch TV.
It's such an easy thing right? It's not particularly profound or mind blowing..but actually, yeah it is. The Creator of the universe, the most gentle and loving One out there, the One who knows my every thought, who knows me, who knows my heart and being from the inside out, is with me all the time.

I've been scrambling to figure out what to do with the next two months of my time in SD. People have still been relentlessly putting the idea of staying in SD in my mind and while it does sound appealing, I don't know if that's what God wants for me at this point. I feel like He has been telling me to meet the challenge, to enter into the unknown with the ability to only see 2 feet ahead of me. I've always been someone that needs to plan ahead and know what comes next. I like to be on the move, full speed ahead but in this season, He has told me to hold my horses and wait. I used to get frustrated with my parents for being so gentle and kind with me. When I broke my car mirror I wanted them to get mad, to tell me I was wrong and that I messed up. Instead they lovingly drove down to SD and traded cars because they were scared it would be dangerous for me to drive with a broken mirror. When I was younger, I wish they had pushed me to be a piano player, violin player, ballet dancer, anything and everything. Instead, they let me choose what I wanted to do, and I ended up getting to spend a lot of my weekends drawing and painting, a passion that still holds strong. I thought about it and realized that God is similar in the sense that He loves me so much that He doesn't get mad when I make a boo boo. He makes sure I'm okay and well, reminds me of the dangers of boo boos, and lets me go with no spank on the hand or loud scolding. I have passions and dreams, and instead of forcing me into something I won't love, or pushing me in a certain direction that will ultimately burn me out or make me unhappy, He and I get to dream and plan together and He can make all things happen.

He wants us to listen, not because He wants to be some intense controlling ruler, but because He knows that where He takes us will make us the happiest. I'm sure if I only listened to myself, I would be a complete trainwreck. He's too good.

God, I like You a lot. I love You. Even when the going gets tough and everything feels unstable, You are still the best and most beautiful part of my life. You are so worth it. It's going to be the greatest adventure spending the rest of my life with You.

I'm continuing to know how to live knowing that God is literally always present and always there with me and for me.

2010-04-10T02:06:00.000-07:00

As I shuffled my way down the hall back to my apartment, God clearly asked me "What do you want?"
Clearly, it's easier if He can just tell me what I want and what my heart wants, but that's not how we work. He creates a space for me to dream and a place to express my desires so that He can find a way to make things manifest in the most perfect way.
But today, I didn't know how to answer Him.
"What do you want?"
I don't know. You tell me what I want.
"I want to know what you want."
You know best. Just have Your way.
"No Joanne, what do you want?"

Heh. Scared to want what I want. Scared that what I want is not really what I want.

Just knowing You're here with me now...It changes everything.

2010-04-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

This week is not over yet but God is so funny and intentional about His timing. Seriously. It's no joke. Some things that I've learned/want to recount...

Good friends are hard to come by...I don't know what I did to deserve it but God let me come by a whole lot of good friends.

These are my new stuffed friends. From left to right: Gerald the sheepie, Peter the lion, and Penelope the penguin. (3 new friends from some of my best friends)

I have become increasingly fond of taking walks in nice scenic places and having good talks. I went to the beach more times this week than I have my 4 years at school. haha. Late night, early morning, mid afternoon, check check check.

Things I am thankful for:

So much to be thankful for really. I think it's so easy to take all of the little things for granted. Family, friends, cards, phone calls, emails, flowers, stuffed animals, hugs, texts, etc...God reminded me this week that I have a lot of good things to fall back on when other things fall through. The struggle, the push, the tears of past times have birthed good things, good friendships, new seasons...

Heh, I have friends that remind me of God's goodness and His truth everyday.

I realized I have a tendency to make everything so serious. I guess I'm kind of intense but I feel so much joy lately, even in serious matters...I find myself smiling in the face of good AND bad. I'm not trying to put a fake face on or anything nor does it mean that I don't understand the severity of a situation, but I think I'm just really starting to understand that God is with me at all times, everywhere, in every situation, every friendship and that because I know He's there, I know that everything will work out for the best. He's with me when I'm walking at the beach. He's with me when I'm laughing and having fun with friends. He's with me when I lie in bed at night and think over the day's events. He's with me when I wake up in the morning. He's even with me as I type this post. Oh God, You are always so present.

I know I say "It'll be okay" a lot. It's not because I don't know what else to say, or because I don't want to deal/think about whatever "it" is. I say it because inside that seemingly simple and short answer, it's the truth of who God is. He'll carry us through it all. Life won't always be happy happy times, but in the end, He will make all things come to pass for my good.

Dove's eyes. I just desire to be focused on Him and to see only Him, to know His thoughts, His feelings, His ways and to follow them.

He has been so intentional about every single part of my life.

Let's survive this together

We've survived so much together, already.

Words

2010-04-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

Recently, I got a word from someone and he said that he felt like God made me with a warm heart and a heart to love others, but that recently, I had been a little more hesitant or held back in doing so. Heh. God's timing is so interesting or His words come at such pinnacle times.
It's not that I don't want to share my love, or that I'm selfish and want it all for myself. To be honest, I'm just scared. I'm scared of giving too much of it and having nothing left, giving it to people who won't show it back, giving it to people who take and take until I have nothing left, giving it to people that I feel like I should be able to trust and fully love and then turning around and realizing that I should have been more careful.
Funny thing is, that's an aspect of the cross that I chose to carry, an aspect of my character that God made me with, which can at times be unbelievably rewarding and beautiful and then at other times it feels like at the end of the day, I sit there with my tired and weary heart in my hands and I just have to continue whispering to it that things will be okay and that it's doing a good job, and that God is here to pick up the pieces and mend everything back together.
My heart is Yours. I'm doing okay.

2010-04-06T01:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, words do not suffice.

Remembering: His way, His plans, His dreams for me are always greater and better than my own.

& Its okay to love wholeheartedley

& God is intentional about everything. and everyone.