Okay...Twilight
1) Yes, I have seen all of the movies. No, not at the first midnight showing.
2) Yes, there is quite a bit of appeal to Edward Cullen and Jacob Black.
3) No, I am not one of the crazy fangirls that obsesses about wishing either of the above mentioned male characters were real.
4) Nor do I agree with the unreachable standards that books/movies like this set for young girls and also the boys that they will date/marry in the future.
5) All of this to say....I love their soundtracks. Very good job on this aspect. Man.





These songs....Are you kidding? Perfection...

"I remember this dream that a friend had, that they told to me that really ruined my heart. In the dream, Jesus had come back, it was His procession, coming back to the world, stopping at all the cities. He was coming to Kansas City. So, in the dream my friend was at his apartment and he had slept in and Jesus was on His way to Kansas City, He was coming to Kansas City and essentially, he missed it. He wasn't ready, he wasn't prepared. and he was so ashamed because he felt like he had missed the Lord's coming. He was ashamed because he felt like "Ah, what have I been doing?" And so in that dream my other friend shows up and he says "Dude you gotta come, you gotta come see Jesus. He's here". My friend was so ashamed and he says "No I'm not ready. I messed up. I'm not ready. I don't want to see Him and my other friend says "you just don't get it. He wants to see you. He's so kind. He just wants to see you."
...I don't remember those things (in reference to all of the classes he has taken at IHOP) but you know what I know? You know what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt? I know that He knows me and I know that He wants to see my face and I know that He will never quit on me and so when the accusations of my heart say "what is your Beloved more than any other?" I rise up and say that "my Beloved has never dealt harshly with me. My beloved has never said I love you but...I love you but do better. He has never said that. He has always dealt with me kindly. He has always dealt with me gently and He's always leading me."
- Andrew Chen, IHOPU senior, on what he has learned in his 5 years at IHOP.

This short film is about sex trafficking. It's an artsy film, fairly low budget I'm guessing, but it's a pretty intense and powerful depiction of human slavery.
For those of you who can't fully understand the imagery, the idea is that these girls are either lured or sold into slavery (entering into the candy shop), they are then morphed into what the clientele wants (the candy). Men line up for it and there is always business for it as long as there's a "need." Perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me is the ending because it does feel like these issues are a neverending cycle but I have hope.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot again about lukewarm faith and the state of Christianity in society right now. Yes, I really do think about these things, a lot. When my mom got baptized and my dad agreed to attend the service (we missed it unfortunately) he said one thing that surprised me.
"I don't have problems with the source. I have problems with the agents."
This isn't the first time this has been an issue, where it is not God that turns people away from Christianity, but the Christians themselves. There are countless stories of being hurt by the church, being separated by community and exclusivity. Look at the slew of Catholic priest molestation incidents. I've also read and heard countless stories of girls being molested by church leaders. I read about pastors cheating on their spouses, about people in high leadership positions completely dropping the ball. Of course people would be turned off to Christianity. It's all they see. Either they get fire and brimstone (you're going to hell) or they get the shady "Christ-followers" in the news and in the churches. I agree with my dad in this case. There are some serious issues going on with the agents.
Now, here's where people may argue that "we are all sinners" and that "we all make mistakes." Yes, that is true and by God's grace, He forgives us for our transgressions. Honestly though, doesn't God deserve a bit more honor and reverence than the bare minimum that we can offer? I'm so tired of the bare minimum and so tired of lackluster faith. Either I need to start accepting that it's only going to get worse or the church will really need to rise up.
This bugs me, not because I'm high and mighty, but because I realize my own sin and my own inability to muster up more than the minimum for God so don't take this blog post as a judgment. I will be judged for all the things I do and do not do in this life too.
We talk about the transformative power of God and the power of Jesus Christ and yet we are so consumed in our own lives. We sing and praise Him only to totally forget about Him 2 hours later. We listen to church messages and stand in recognition of our desire to change or to take a step forward in faith only to drop it after the adrenaline has worn off. Seriously, this speaks heaps about God's grace and love for us cause honestly, we're offering Him our scraps and leftover garbage. Only when we are down in the dumps and in need do we get on our knees and pray. Otherwise, we're living it up, doing what we want, doing it how we want to do it, cheapening grace by praying one thing and doing another. The state of Christianity is weak. So very weak. I'm getting tired of using the excuse that we're humans and we make mistakes as a crutch and as a reason why we can do whatever the hell we want.
Sigh, honestly, I just want to love God rightly. I say that all the time but it burns in my soul every day. God, how do I love You rightly? When I meet You at the judgment seat, I don't care if You burn away 90% of me that is imperfect and sinful but I want to at least show You that there were parts of me that were pure, there were parts of me that really tried, that I loved You on this earth to the best of my ability.

Alright, I'll try to insert a happier, funny post in due time. I get intense at night time.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/worship/features/22374-when-the-secular-is-sacred


word. word. word.

“I’m really scared for my generation, you know. The thing that scares me most is Tumblr. I hate what Tumblr has become. Because it like, it reminds me of those clique-y girls in high school that used to make fun of everyone else and define what was cool, but in five years, when you all graduate, that sh-- doesn’t matter. No one gives a f--- about that sh--. Instead of kids going out and making their own moments, they’re just taking these images and living vicariously through other people’s moments. It just kills me. Then you’ll meet them and they’re just the biggest turkey in the world. They don’t actually embody any of those things. They just emulate. It’s scary man, simulation life that we’re living. It scares me.” 
-Drake

Its been one of those months.

It has been one of those months or perhaps I should just track it back to the day that I started graduate school.
I wish I could say that things have gotten better and that I'm really starting to enjoy it but I can't. Every day I think about what it would be like if I quit the program and then I get the sickening feeling of being left with nothing to do and no where to go.
It has been a rough transition for me. At least I'm pretty good at hiding things on the surface. I'm usually pretty composed, seem engaged, and work hard but inside I barely feel anything.
As a friend once said, I have a bleeding heart. That sounds so very morbid and emo but it's the truth. It feels, it breaks easily, it dreams of joy of beauty...I just don't know what to do with it lately.
I trust that God has a plan and that there is a purpose to all of this...but can I really continue to believe that if these feelings go on for 2 years plus? I want to say that I am strong enough to withstand it all, but the truth is, I'm already worn and tired. I'm struggling to hold onto my hopes and dreams and struggling with the part of me that tells me I just need to accept that this is my life.
Of course, 2 years is nothing compared to a lifetime...but I'm afraid that 2 years will pull me further and further away from what I once dreamed of. I'm afraid that after 2 years I'll be willing to just settle into the path I've already taken.
What would it look like for me to take a risk and to do something with all of the dreams I have? I have no idea. Perhaps courage and boldness...two things I'm wondering if I possess...

All the wild horses
All the wild horses, tethered with tears in their eyes.
May no man's touch ever tame you
May no man's reigns ever chain you.
And may no man's weight ever lay freight your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll away.

Good music is so rare these days. Somedays I imagine spending the whole day looking for new artists to listen to it. Good music is just so good for the soul.

The song above was a song I used to love in high school. It's unbelievably emo with a sad violin and guitar to mediate the utter emo-ness of this song. Something about the imagery makes me feel chains break off of my body when its been a tough day. I picture running through fields in freedom. Laughing, dancing, feeling beautiful.
I've been utterly consumed by school to the point where if I'm not doing something school related, I begin to feel anxious and guilty. My mind gets restless and my hands feel the urge to reach for my books. In some cases, yes, I probably should switch off the trashy reality television and study. In other cases, I should probably be afforded the time to relax and to release all the stress.
I've been a pent up all of emotion, longing to be a free horse running in the fields. I'm tethered and chained by my anxiety and to be honest, I haven't been consistent with asking for freedom.
Freedom is a concept that touches something deep inside of my soul, moreso than a lot of other concepts that people highly value. The freedom to be myself, the freedom to laugh as loud as I want, the freedom to dream and to do all the things I've hoped for, the freedom to dance, the freedom to be. It is something I'm constantly seeking. It is something I'm thirsting for in this season of school.
I honestly hate the ways in which I settle into this world but I'm also not one to shave my head and move to another country. I just long to be free. To feel like my chains are no longer digging into my flesh, to feel like the weight and burden of this life will not keep my arms from being raised. Maybe that's why I tend to like the emo songs, because I hear it in the singer's voice, in the melody, in the words, the longing to be free from the anguish and the pains of this world.
I don't know. Sometimes I think it may just be me who feels so deeply all the time. It's not that I don't enjoy life and have fun or that I don't feel feelings of joy and happiness. I just know I'll never be complete until Heaven, until I meet Jesus and that's a fact that I can never ignore.
It's that fact that causes things like pain in the world, evil in society, injustice, etc. to never leave my mind. I cannot ignore these things, even in m every day life. One day, I was at the gym roasting in the sauna when this girl walked in and sat close by (not that the sauna is very big...it's the size of two small bathrooms maybe) and I could just feel the emotional burden she was carrying. I didn't even need to look at her or try and interpret her body posture/facial expression. It was so tangible and I just felt it all around me, the self condemnation, the sadness...everything.
I feel it when I walk around every single day, on campus, off campus, everywhere. I see people and I can literally feel and see the things going on inside and it breaks my heart. I cannot ignore it but I also have not found the freedom within myself to do anything about it. We are all captives. We can put up the blinders and we won't need to see anything beyond what's in front of us and where we're headed.
But as Christians, we can't afford to be numb. We spend unbearable amounts of time worrying about ourselves that we forget the biggest advantage we have in this life, Jesus. He died for our sins, He carried the weight and the burden, when He died on that cross He paid the ultimate price for us. And yet we still can't find it within ourselves to share the good news. We can't muster up the courage to say something. We dance around in church, raise our hands and praise, we talk and talk about how we will change the world, and yet we don't. We get sucked into our little worldly bubbles, our jobs, school, our safe and secure church bubbles where we talk on end about what we would do for the kingdom but God forbid we actually act on those things.
I am so guilty of all of these things but how I long to be free from all of that.
How I long to feel real freedom and the not the counterfeits I've settled for.